With the recent name change from Cambridge Racquet and Fitness Club to Cambridge Athletic Club many people have been a tad apprehensive over the future of hoops at the Club. Be easy and cancel the orders for Kevorkianís dream machine because the basketball program is stable and here to stay. However, I would not be diligent in my work as the CAC media if I did not report all of the rumors I have heard as to the reasons why the name change took place. So for all you people who believe we didnít land on the moon, or believe there was a second shooter on the grassy knoll, or heard that Pepsi Clear caused scurvy, wet your whistle with some of these conspiracy theories that have crossed my desk.
1. Marketing: Why did Kobe Bryant change his jersey number from 8-24? Itís elementary, more cash! With a new jersey on the market the formerly most hated NBA player (now Bruce Bowen) had a chance to double up with all the jersey fanatics out there who would buy a second jersey. The Commish pays for all merchandise by the letter. After confirming this fact on a NASA calculator, CRFC has one more letter than CAC. The Commish simply waited until all CRFC merchandise was sold before he made the switch to lower overhead and increase profits by the 3 Cents per shirt. Now, everyone will be clamoring for the MixTape CAC jersey to go with their CRFC one. Shear Genius.
2. A foiled Coup d’eTat by the Wolverine: Everyone knows the VP of Basketball Operations has been itching to wear the daddy pants here at the CAC. However, the Wolverine could not wait for nature to take its course. Early in January, the Wolverine had plans to overthrow the Commish during a pick up game where he would challenge the Commish to a Wall Dunk contest. Unbeknownst to the Commish, the Wolverine had loosened the screws to the rim and the Commish would have plummeted to his doom. From there, everyone would look to their beloved VP to take over and guide us through the tumultuous time. Then, the Wolverine would convert the club into Cambridgeís first legitimate brothel where he would establish himself as the ìCACî or The Cambridge Ass Captain. Unfortunately for the Wolverine, the Commish has big brother power over all staff emails for these exact reasons and foiled the attempt. If weíve learned anything from the Godfather, you keep your friends close, but your enemies closer and the Commish renamed the club the CAC as a way to demoralize the Wolverine and remind him who the Don really is.
3. Who doesnít like a punch line? With the change to “CAC” all of the mature senses of humor out there have to do is tell a joke that ends with the line ìCAC.î I think I did this about 37 times when the name change took place and each time I dropped a CAC I got plenty of laughs. The names catchy and now gives us more of an edge than Basketball City. Sure,Basketball City has tons of street cred with all the gangs, fights, and stabbings. But, now that we got a rated R pseudo name and the streets are buzzing about us. Again, the Commish is always thinking.
4. The Feds: With the leagues becoming more and more profitable, the Commish had to find different ways to stay one step ahead of the increasingly curious IRS. Since it is common knowledge the Commish takes his helicopter to his chateau in Prague in the off-season, rumors have circulated the Commish wasnít paying taxes on the basketball leagues and, along with Boca Grande and OnLine Buddies, the Commish formed a profitable money laundering scheme. With the Feds closing in on CRFC, the Commish decided to start a new paper trail and give Uncle Sam a different job title. After a little investigative reporting, I got someone from the IRS, who shall remain nameless, to give me a copy of the Commishís last two tax returns. In 2005, Under Occupation ñ Commissioner of CRFC basketball operations. In 2006, Under Occupation – Food and Beverage Director at CAC. Just like Sam Rothstein, the Commish continues to find ways to stay untouchable.
There you have it. Your guess is as good as mine as to which one of these easily believeable theories is true. Feel free to speculate for yourself, but whatever you believe rest assure that CAC basketaball will be just as fun and addictive as CRFC.