Inspired by the old-school game of questions and the hottest stolen trend in offensive basketball, here are some questions that I had puttering around in my head after a laborious weekend that included me winning the MBG Dunkin’ Donuts Contest with me pounding a record-setting four chocolate danishes in six minutes and thirty-one seconds. Woof, woof, woof, ladies. With adieu, dijon, anyone?
Q: Who went to work today on President’s Day when the banks and the government had the day off?
A: It’s a fitting metaphor for our society, though off-days are necessary for mental health. Just ask Tibbs, he has seven on a workweek.
Q: Speaking of El Jefe, when will Tibbs finally crack The Wall for title #2?
A: To prove he’s not biased, he purposefully loses all playoff games. He’s just a nice guy. You can’t say he’s not a giver.
Q: Thursday nights, Tommy Doyle’s, Kendall Square, karaoke, what’s the song?
A: One of the B25v5er’s murdered the classic 80s power duet “Easy Lover” last Thursday. With CAC jersey applied.
I could only hope to top it with some wacky late 70s funk. I think I go with Ace of Base.
Q: Why is there Braille at the drive-thru ATM?
A: I just called…to say…I love your VW. And I mean it from the bottom of my glasses.
Q: When you say The Definitive Album of the 2000s in popular culture, there’s about a 75% chance it’s gotta be an album that’s hip-hop or is the white boy from Arlington smoking crack and trying to act all tough again?
A: If it’s not Kanye, it’s Eminem or Outkast. White people would hate to admit this fact. The only other nominee comes from a woman who snorts crack like it’s going out of style and she may be tougher than the four guys above listed above. Again, Americans hate Amy Winehouse. She’s the reason the 93 -0.1 station went to a DJ-less format. Hate with a capital H.
Q: Can anyone write an original song these days?
A: Jay-Z’s right. Remaking “We Are The World” is the equivalent of pissing on a Lisa Bonet. Good causes be damned, people are still T-Paining out there.
Q: Will Sarah Palin be doing analysis for Fox Sports before 2012?
A: I think she is qualified for the job. She’s a hockey mom. She won’t be a brown noser like that goon Chris Rose when asking questions to Jeets when the Yankees win in 2010? Oh, Jeets. I miss Pat Summerall so much.
Q: Mike, why you are talking about politics?
A: Geesh, this is Cambridge. I’m allowed one shot at Palin without too much grief. We all know who The First Dude is. Let’s just say his name rhymes with “Schaugho’callaghan”
Q: Pitchers and catchers already?
A: This is a cruel joke. Everybody knows The Blue Jays are takin’ the East. O, Canada…
Q: Will the real Fat America please stand up?
A: Take off the jean jacket with the American flag and calmly put your chili dog on the counter. (This is a real person, I hope you never meet her.)
Q: Is ESPN going to save Mel Kiper’s sperm so they can cross-pollinate it with Todd McShay’s for future draftnik children?
A: Ummmm, when’s the NFL Draft? Is it tomorrow? OMG, who’s gonna take Jimmy Clauss-a-doodle? The draft is in tatters. Whiskey now, please. This is a draft I’d love to personally silence or at least put back onto Saturday at noon for a great tradition that Roger Goodell’s going to kill. (The Draft starts on Thursday nights this year for those of you, who, ummmmmmm, work.)
Q: Do you use the phrase “GTL” in your real life?
A: If so, then remove the thumb from your ass and try reading a book. Shirts have sleeves for a reason, you imbecile.
Jersey Shore was so January. Seriously, that s***’s over and done with. Next horrible fad to prove how moronic people are, please.
Q: Will there be a Doyler Dash, Part II this May around Mother’s Day?
A: If so, I’ll throw my name into the 5K hat. Ten years and thirty-five pounds ago, I used to pretend to run. I must be stupid.
Q: Why does everyone fellate over ‘nineties’ music and how great it is?
A: In terms of ‘rock music’ or better known as the stuff that white kids listened to, after 1994, much was left to be desired. I like Nirvana’s music immensely, but Kurt Cobain’s suicide did so much damage for the music of an entire generation. Then again, conspiracy theorists think Courtney Love is a horrible actress. I agree wholeheartedly. Besides, Ten and Vs.by Pearl Jam were superior albums to anything Nirvana made. I’m stealing this line, but bad times make good music…the 90s were pretty good here in America from 95′ on and the best-selling acts were teeny-boppers. This is proof that happiness sucks. And that no one could deal with a sequel to the Dave Coulier break-up album.
Q: Do people still buy CDs when you can steal them on the Internet?
A: VEVO was invented by Satan. I will plug Newbury Comics because they rock. Small pleasure in life that’s worth it is poppin’ a CD in the car on a long drive. Not being forced to listen to commercials is fantastic. Even if only for thirty minutes for the price of ten dollars.
Q: What’s the point of an All-Star game in professional basketball if there’s no defense?
A: To be fair, the A1 4v4 league at CAC is more consistent with these ‘exhibition’ rules in play. Every Monday night, only at CAC!
Q: Have you tried the new Sam seasonal beer?
A: It’s called Noble Piss, made with the freshest urine from Samuel Adams. He’s only been dead for three-hundred years now!
Q: Can you keep sculpting Davids on the message boards where you imaginarily destroy people in a mission of distraction for opponents?
A: If I’m making fun of you, it means you’re relevant. Until I say you’re not. That’s when you should moan.
Q: Do you have a superiority complex?
A: It’s MG’s world and you’ve been overpowered by awesomeness. I’ll attack anyone that can breathe. Ideally, I’ll attack ideas first, but people because I’m fantastic in the arena. Until I erase you from the crowd’s minds (see felled legend Weapon X).
If you read the fine print, e-mail me if you want to be interviewed. We can work it out. Buy me vodka. De rien, suckas.