Journalists realized that posing questions was not merely a practical working method for the reporter modestly gathering information with notebook and pencil in hand; it was a means of exerting power. The journalist is not merely the one who asks questions but the one who has a sacred right to ask, to ask anyone about anything. But don’t we all have that right? And is a question not a bridge of understanding reaching out from one human being to another? Perhaps. I will therefore make my statement more precise: the power of the journalist is not based on his right to ask but on his right to demand an answer”
-Milan Kundera, Immortality-
You got the questions. I got the powah! (everybody dance now!)
-JBerr, Go Ask JBerr.
Let’s be honest, we all have burning questions about our fellow CACmates from teammates, to refs, scorekeepers and revered opponents. We want to know why we are only the 3rd option on our team? Why our captain selected us? Why certain refs have a preference for baby-tees while other’s feel the need to wear pec-flashing and package enhancing under-armor tards? What your favorite scorekeepers beer of choice is? Where an opponent played in college? Etc, etc, etc…
The problem is, we don’t always have the platform to do so or we are too shy and would rather ask anonymously.
The solution is, Go Ask JBerr. It’s likely you’re not the only one who wants to know why BFrat touched you inappropriately during your last game or where OCal buys his Jorts. My services aim to connect you directly to the source with absolute anonymity and get you the answers you are looking for. I have convenient access to players and staff and will gladly make your questions heard.
The goal is to generate and inspire league curiousity, promote the community mentality of CAC, help people sleep at night and foremost entertain you CACholes when you get sick of clicking refresh on the message boards, the write-up for a game in which you beat Tibbs, TMZ and Wolverine’s blog.
Questions will always remain 100% confidential and answers will be provided whenever possible in a timely fashion. Truth and honesty however cannot be guarenteed and are subject to the readers discretion.
I Look forward to hearing from you, and to get the ball rolling please view the following sample questions surveying a handful of your favorite CAC Staffers!!
Q: Do you covet your teammate’s life?
A: I <3 OCal
Q: Is the card you lay down to cover the tab every night really a Genzyme corporate card or will you be forced into defaulting on your mortgage a few years down the road due to crippling credit card debt?
A: Hang on, I was told Mike D. would take care of this…
Q: How would you describe your experience working the womenís league on Tues nights?
A: The way you drop, drop makes me wanna pop. Is your man on the floí? If he ainít lemme knowÖ
Q: Can I borrow your car this weekend?
A: Please wear your CAC issued jersey; there are no exceptions to the rules. Thank you.
Q: Where will Jabby be honeymooning after the wedding?
A: Please direct all inquiries to www.hyperactivegadfly.com
Q: What’s your best pick-up line?
A: I find it most effective to light a chick’s jeans on fire and tell her she’s smmoooookinnnnnnn.
Q: Was your massive gambling debt incurred on the black-jack table, poker table or slot machines?
A: P-p-p-p-p-po-po-poker face
Q: Do you believe in love at first sight?
A: I didn’t have a choice. One look at Tibbs and I was blinded by his complexion
Q: Do you really live in your parents basement?
A: It’s the only way I can afford my puberty inducing hormone supplements (results still anticipated), elegantly maintain my unibrow AND dry clean my JORTS daily. It’s a respectable living situation, my mom even oils and lubes the race car when there’s still a passenger riding shotgun, if you know what I mean.
Q: Do you believe in monogamy?
A: I did not have sexual relations with that woman! Unless she was at one point obscurely famous to the point not worth mentioning, in that case I probably did. Is this a trick question?
*remember, we just want your answers. Retort questions cannot be routed back to their source.
Q: Are you actually employed by CAC or is “In the Mix” pro-boner work?
A: Define “employed.” Also, I am, and will always be, the BEST rebounder @ CAC.
*inquireres be specific, your questions may not be clarified so as to maintain your anonymity.
Q:Do you find it challenging to fill JBerr’s position in the 5v5 B league?
A: It’s an easy job, as long as I’m wearing my knee pads and have my spitoon nearby.
Q: You’re on a roster in every league, yet have minimal stats. Do you actually play @ CAC?
A: Hey! I consider my role as sand-bagger, smack talker and sideline specialist a starting position!
Q: What’s the last thing you do before you fall asleep at night?
A: Eat a pice of dark chocolate, drink a glass of milk, talk to other insomniacs on gchat and stroke some CAC