I Survived LNO

It was a bizarre, but very fun league night out last Saturday September 6, 2008 some new faces were there and some regulars were notably absent. Based on the experience I think itís safe to come to a few conclusions. #1 Excessive amounts of beer pong before LNO is not a wise idea and will likely get you kicked out or bitched out sooner rather than later and #2 Holding a fundraising event on the front end of LNO will result in extremely intoxicated crowds later in the night and finally #3 combing #1 +#2 is disastrous. But the way I see it, this is how things played out for those who missed it, those who forget it, and those who want to re-live itÖ

5:45 ñ I pile into a cab with the Taitlinís & Co. while the cabbie, who was about 5 cigs, 2 blunts and a crack binge away from a tracheotomy, assures the ìcommand centerî that there are only 4 of us in the cab. He then letís the 5 of us know how much he hates the skunt who just called to ask him that, but that her boyfriends cool cause he gets high with him every day. I come to the conclusion that I am traveling in a crack den on wheels.

6:00 ñ We roll up unfashionably on the dot greeted by Tommy K and the Wifey. I fork over the 20 bucks I owe for what will inevitably be a losing raffle ticket and head straight to the bar, because all the Sam Adams you can drink is a helluva good cause and Iím feeling in a generous mood.

6:05 ñ I find my partner in crime, Hallie, Miss Congeniality of the Womenís League double fistiní it with a water and a SamÖAdams, not Quinnóat least not yet. I solicit her to guard my beer while I head on over to the spread of cruditÈs, cheese & crackers and lil baby meatballs the size of TiCalís testicles. I sink my teeth into a few of those to quell my appetite and get my mingle on.

6:10 ñ Terrycloth, the Birthday Boy appears to be pleasantly imbibing at this point and I throw my recruiting pitch at his girlfriend who would make a sick addition to the Womenís League from what I gather. She gave me a verbal commitment for summer í09, apparently graduating college is more important than playing in a rec bball league and Iím starting to wonder if she will fit in @ CAC??

6:17 ñ Cake & Sprinkles emerges from the crowd and Terrycloth, Serge and I balk that heís not wearing his jorts! Apparently they got ìstainedî while he was doing his corner interview with TiCal, and even though he scrubbed and scrubbed, he heard that The Greatest Bar had blacklights and decided against wearing them. Tough call.

6:30 ñ I realize that Iíve only been there a half-hour and Iím already 4 beers deep and shrewdly decide that eating large quantities of cheese will help to counterbalance the excessive pace of alcohol consumption that I am currently striding along at. Meanwhile, I continue to pour parts of my beers over ice into Hallieís ìwater glassî and she seems to be none the wiser.

6:45 ñ The obnoxious crowd of CAC people have begun to congregate down at the far end of the bar while the more sophisticated folk remain towards the front and middle. Tommy K feels torn, stuck somewhere in between CAC and a hard place.

7:00 ñ Free Sam hour is over and Sweens makes the first move, initiating the countless rounds of car bombs that are about to take place. Somehow, Terrycloth lands on the receiving end of every one of them, whether one was intended for him or not and I get yanked of one that was intended for meóIt was the thought that counted Harv.

7:10 ñ Feeling bad for me, SQuinn buys one more round that I get in on, which came daaaaangerously close to coming right back up after I took 20 minutes to get it down in the first place, I never was much of a swallower.

7:20 ñ Someone comes around selling raffle tix, so I join in on the fun cause Iím feeliní lucky tonight and purchase a strip of tix for myself, gathering the necessary materials to start a bonfire that, unbeknownst to me, I would be igniting within the hour.

7:30 ñ Christy begins to select the winners of the door prizes and the first one goes to none other than an under 21 year old CAC groupie and Iím pissedówho let said person in anyway?! I may have struck out on the door prizes, but Iím hopeful because the raffle winners have yet to be announced. Big money, big money big money, baby!!!!

7:45 ñ More shots are ordered, and I see one with my name on it. But suddenly, in his drunken stupor, Terrycloth pulls it away and drops it on the floor. Smooth move. The red flags are officially up and Terry is officially cut off. His girlfriend looks either proud or really, really pissed but I donít know her well enough to distinguish the difference.

7:50 ñ For the 3rd time now Hallie, Gripp & I are asphyxiated by a wafting cloud of deadly air leaking from an unknown source. I keep my eyes peeled for diapers, Indian food and people who have an uncomfortable expression on their face or appear to be leaning to one side more than the other.

8:00 ñ Finally the winning raffle numbers are being announced and number by number my frustration builds because I donít hear any of mine.

8:02 ñ To calm my nerves I decide to order up a margarita despite my better judgment, but I swear to myself and whoever else cared to listen that I would only have one (haha, thatís funny).

8:05 ñ My numbers still havenít been called and the flickering candle in front of me is so enticing that I begin to dip my ticket into the flames out of spite and amusement.

8:06 ñ Unfortunately I smothered the flame and it went out with minimal fiery effect, but the devil over my right shoulder, better known as Hallie, passes me another candle. So, thinking itís hilarious I attempt to light my tickets ablaze againÖSUCCESS!! My tickets are flaming in a great blaze of glory!!

8:07 ñ A disgruntled bartender suddenly puts the candle out and grabs my strip of flaming tickets from me which I mildly protest and then reluctantly let go of. He runs the tickets under the tap and then hands the soggy mess back to me, gee thanks, but they were much more fun on fire. What a dick!

8:10 ñ I consider demanding a refund on the basis that my ticket numbers were faulty, but then I realize I have nothing but charred ticket stubs to back up my argument and scrupulously decide against it.

8:17 ñ Terrycloth attempts to order his 3,389,494,l39,234 drink and is shockingly denied. I can see the outrage bubbling as he witnesses me being served my second Margarita from the same bartender who just had to smolder the fire I set.

8:20 ñ Tibbs swoops in to save the day, handing Terry a glass of water and cheers-ing him with a glass of his own to diffuse his friendís embarrassment. Thereís no shame in switching over to water when youíve been drinking going on 7 hours straight and are dangerously close to getting the boot.

8:21 ñ I realize that since my firestarter habits are no longer a secret I should not be associating with the drunkest of them all and I casually slink away from the sissies drinking water, seriously who drinks water at the bar?? For shame!

8:43 ñ ìJabbyî formerly known as Jared and Abby, CACís celebrity and recently co-habitated couple strolls in, eager to kick back for a bit and take a break from unpacking/organizing their new love nest.

8:45 ñ Tibbs leaves Terry in the corner with his girlfriend and anchors himself down at the table by the door, the last time he will take his feet before sneaking out earlyÖ

8:59 ñ We all watch in amusement as Terry & Co are escorted out of the bar by a large man in a blazer. So unsteady is he, that the bouncer directs him directly to the elevator rather than allowing him to attempt 4 flights of stairs. Poor bastard didnít even make it out til 9pm on his own birthday. Perhaps you should take some training from OíCal on how to celebrate your birthday properly, or you can also talk to Wolverine for tips on how to best celebrate your friendís birthday.

9:07 ñ I slide up next to Jabby to shoot the shit. Itís been a while since Iíve seen either of them and had the chance to catch up. They tell me all about the new place, we do some reminiscing and I also tell Abby that Iím expecting big things from her now that she is covering the Womenís 5v5 League! I also confess that I am a loyal hyperactivegadfly reader.

9:15 ñ Hallieís still bunkered down in the corner so I mosey back that way now that Terryclothís no longer in the picture and order up another ërita while I check out the scene from this side of the room.

9:22 ñ My phone buzzes, incoming text from OCal wondering if weíre all still alive. I assure him that indeed we are still going strong and demand to know why the hell he isnít here. He responds that he is on the T, which means the Benz/Bentley/Lexus whatever it is that heís calling his piece of shit Camry these days is stayin at home which furthermore means TROUBLE.

9:25 ñ I see BRip make his grand entrance with Macho and leave Hallie and Sam (yes this time Quinn) to their own devices in the corner to fulfill my role as part of the greeting committee.

9:30 ñ Rip reprimands me for being empty handed by making me take a shot of my choice. I choose Mexican piss, as the bartender pours his shittiest tequila into a shooter. It burns me esophagus all the way down leaving me to wonder if it was actually battery acid in that bottle he poured from.

9:33 ñ Ocal walks in the door, rollin deep with the posse as usual including Spinney & this kid Paul (I think) who I played pick up outside with on Labor day. But who knows, Brad Pitt could have walked in the door at this point and I wouldnít have known the difference.

9:40 ñ Drinks on OCal as he lays down the plastic and I switch over to Guinness to slam the breaks on my intoxication levels and give my liver sometime to process the random assortment of booze have pumping through my bloodstream.

10:05 ñ Incoming text from PStone wondering if everyone made it out in the rain. Iíd been there so long I didnít even realize that a massive tropical storm was reeking havoc outsite, but once again I assure him that everyoneís made it out and weíre all having a grand old time.

11:05 ñ God only knows what happened in the past hour, but now the womenís league

A-listers are taking over as Miriam, Rainmaker & Boots explode on the scene with their signifs in tow. They ask me where Gripp is and I look around appalled to see that she is no longer present in the bar and Tibbs is no longer half passed-out in the booth.

11:07 ñ I receive a text from Gripp telling me to apologize to her teammates and that she had to leave abruptly because Tibbs ran out of the bar suddenly. Confused and drunk I try to explain the situation.

11:10 ñ OCal steps in with textual evidence, cause heís textually active these days, to explain to us that Tibbs left because he was pissed OCal was grinding on Gripp. The text read ìwhy donít you go huge ocal some more.î What I think he meant was ìhugî but perhaps it was some sort of Freudian slip seeping out of his subconscious where lockerroom happenings have been deeply suppressedÖbut Iím no Dr. Phil so I canít swear by it.

11:35 ñ Iím chattin it up with one of the newest CAC staffers, Mike Gerrity, who will be peppering the B-leaguers with his humerous repartee in their write-ups. I have no idea what we spoke about, but I know this conversation happened.

11:45 ñ I somehow get included in another round of shots which photographic evidence can recall but my memory cannot, but as you can see Hallie has come out from her corner and is reminiscing with Rainmaker about their AAU days of playing each other back in the dirty state of NY

Doesnít everyone look like they are having a blast?

12:45 ñ Thanks to that shot I lose another hour and probably a significant number of brain cells with it. I have a text in my phone from Pstone telling me that his ride bailed and he isnít making it out. HmmmÖDmacÖwasnít this date YOUR idea??

1:00am ñ The crowd seems to have thinned out a bit, but this could be due to my alcohol impaired vision, why havenít I been kicked out yet?

1:15 ñ Spinney and some other guys I donít know are taking shots of Dewars and heís telling me I have to do one, I say no way in hell but he hands it to me anyway, so what do I do? I pull the oldest trick in the book. I take the shot and then immediately spit it right back into the shot glass.

1:16 ñ My trick doesnít fly and Spinny calls me out on it holding the shot glass up and telling me I have to do it.

1:17 ñ Cake and Sprinkles jumps in to save me like heís been doing all night and mans up for the shot. I tried to stop him and tell him that I had actually had that shot in my mouth and spit it back into the glass, but he wonít be stopped and he puts it down but quick. I grimace.

1:30 ñ I suddenly find myself engaged in a close talking situation with Spinney. Clearly whatever he has to say is top secret and important and he doesnít want anyone else to hear it, either that or my breath is fabulous with the fumes of 10 different alcoholic fragrances swirling in it and he canít get enough.

 1:35 ñ Interview with a vampire.

1:40 ñ Hallie tells me itís time to pack it in, sheís ready to bounce and she ainít leavin me behind. Feeling light headed and dizzy I donít argue with her and we make our escape.

1:42 ñ After descending 4 flights of stairs I realize I left my raincoat that is actually my sisters up in the bar and I bound back up the stairs to retrieve it, impressed that I actually remembered it.

1:43 ñ Yeah, Iím that fast, 4 flights in under a minute. I grab my coat and bust the joint faster than OCal busts a nut when heís found a girl drunk enough to take home.

1:50 ñ Im wandering the rainy streets outside the Garden with Hallie & Sam but there are no cabs in sight and even the ones that drive by with their ìim available lightsî on donít stop because Boston Cab drivers are assholes or too foreign to know how to use it.

2:00 ñ Spinney and his boys peel around the corner in a Volkswagen and they offer me a ride in the absence of cabs. Who knew boys could be so nice to a damsel in distress? I decide to test my luck which has failed me all night and impressively I direct the driver of said Volkswagen to Taitlinís place, escaping the clutches of Nostradamus by a sliver.

2:01 ñ The end.