If I have only one flaw (saying that with a straight face) it is that I am a great friend. Flaw? In some cases, being a great friend is definitely a flaw because you end up walking the streets of Somerville at 5 in the morning.
My Saturday Night started off like any other one. I put the long-sleeve jorts on, one leg at a time. After a couple prayers to Miscellaneous Jesus to help me get laid, I was out and about for Magic Johnsonís bday celebration at Kitty Osheas in Boston. Like any night, preparation is key. I made sure I wrote down all the Redhead and Firecrotch jokes that I Googled on the back of the condom in my wallet to make sure I got plenty in the arsenal in case Magic gets on my case hitting on her friends. This may be one of the reasons Magic told me the party was in downtown Roxbury, but nonetheless, I outsmarted her and found out where she was having her party, and brought my crew along.
A Whoís Who gathering of CAC personaís. JBerr, the Sergeon (with ladies in tow per usual) the Mach, BDubs (who openly admitted his bromance for Coach K and Wojo), Hallie and new Boo. Khalid, Jean Claude Van Tram and the Dolla Dolla Billet from Genzyme are here too? Its only a couple minutes before Van is trying to get me to play for Genzyme. Either heís really drunk or I am because I will abstain from basketball and booze before I join the Evil Empire. (Although Van did intrigue me with how my assists would go up with him and Billet on the wings. Iím human.)
TSPin and his Everett crew are here? Wow, they let anything in this place.
But about 2 hours into my arrival see ìthe lookî from my boy Paulie after putting down his phone. The look is like when people look to the sky and see the BatSignal. I know whatís coming. He has that look about him that a girl just texted him back. Its time to go on the hunt. Ironically, I got some people heading the same area so Redline, here we come.
We are in Redline for about 5 minutes and run into my boy from A2 Mazzyís boo, Erin and her gaggle of friends, who have found the RainMaker and Moonboots from the womenís league. Damn, Iím getting my CAC fix in.
Nothing like getting wasted and dancing like a fool in front of people who use to respect you. I even whipped out the hokey-pokey, but no one got my ìYou put your 3rd leg in, you take your 3rd leg out, you put your 3rd leg in and spray and prayî joke.
My buddy works the door and its closing time. Heís trying to get everyone out and, for some odd reason, I start telling people they cant come in or they go to leave. Iíd say Iíve had enough to drink.
Then, the pinnacle of the night. Every coach knows when to go to the bench when the players on the court arenít getting the job done. I need to get out of here and ìsee who else I can playî but my friends are smitten with Erinís 2 friends. No cab fare, no car (not that I should be driving anyway), and my boy is driving tonight. Looks like Iím heading to Erinís for some power-wingman-play.
At Erinís, its business as usual. My friends are working it despite my semi-offensive rhetoric. One of her friends goes to BC. (No offense Duncan, Dorey, Glenn etc..) I love making fun of theSuperfans. My favorite thing to do is to call them Anti-Semites because they are a Jesus School. Well, letís just say my repertoire of Jesus jokes did not go over as well as I thought it would so I shifted gears. Címon, this aint my first rodeo. I can turn left.
So, I bust out the ìwhy does BC hate Jews?î & ìWhat is it like to hate Jewish people?î & ìWhy are you Superfans so infatuated with Hitler?î & straight up ìJew-Hater.î For some odd reason, people take offense to being called ìJew-Hater.î I know, talk about being overly sensitive.
The Michelob Ultras are going down better than expected at this point. I can feel the calories just melting away on my chiseled sleek physique. Erin goes to bed, obviously to dream about Mazzy, and my friends begin to disappear, leaving me to debate whether I should make sweet sweet love to this empty can and risk the chance of a second circumcision or watch SportsCenter again and wait out the Love Explosions.
After waiting a while, my friends were still playing slippy finger surprise, digging for Pink and Brown gold, so I made an executive decision to bounce. Luckily, Erin lives 10 blocks away from my boy so itís not that bad of a hike. About this time, I glance at the cell phone and see its 5am and Iím walking down the cold Somerville streets. A Walking King with no Queen.
Its at this time, I had an epiphany and saw what my life would be like in 20 years:
I just canít wait till I rock an orange backpack.