Guest Blog by Scalabrine’s Girl
Partying With Tibbs 101
Purpose and Reason:
This study started back in the Fall of 2001. A sheltered boy of 17 years was released into the world and his first stop was college. There were boobs everywhere and a magic potion that made the faces that came with those boobs ever more attractive. He was sold. Drinking practices at Ursinus College started on Thursday night and ended Thursday morning with a few hours in between to get ready to start anew. Natty Light was cheap and plentiful and the lovely (and not so lovely) ladies abounded. Tibbs had a new lease on life and he knew what he had to do. Party.
There are many reasons for creating a study of he who we know as Tibbs AKA Junk, JITT, Dirk, Ronald, The Ghost, etc. He is a fascinating specimen of talent both on and off the shiny wooden floors. The focus of this particular study is the habits, practices and outcomes of Tibbs when he steps away from the desk and takes his place behind the bottle or bar.
Materials and Methods:
Beer and liquor. Friends, their houses, bars, cars, and the great outdoors. Parties and well, no reason at all. A number of these factors can stand on their own. Mix a few of them and the specimen can be volatile.
Just Beer – He is usually ok with beer. He’ll open up. After about 15 minutes he’ll start talking shit (more than usual for intoxication) and upwards of 20+ you may find him passed out wherever we was sitting.
Beer + Game – Pong or cards this kid can play. And you will hear about it too. He will run the table and after about 5 games he will start talking shit. You will learn about just how much YOU suck and how he knows YOU are gay. He will almost always be El Presidente in Asshole and will have at least 3 rules by games end.
Liquor – He can hold it. It’s amazing that he has not ended up in the hospital attached to a pump. (Knock on wood) But again it has found that his mouth will open and you will learn more about how he knows you are gay.
Liquor + Beer – God help me. æ of a bottle of 151 and some unmeasured amount of beer is lethal. You thought that Tibbs was that pale shade of ghost white? He turned a redder than a tomato and started speaking in tongues.
Liquor + Beer + Long day at bar + Stolen picture from a bar – Tibbs no longer wanted the picture after driving friends home. He asked a friend to spot the picture while he geared up for a punt. Glass everywhere. Alcohol serving a pain control got us home somehow. He couldn’t get out of the car on his own. We carried him up covered in blood. I had some help in knocking him out and I spent the rest of the night picking shards of glass out of his leg. I also spent the next few days home from work and class to help him learn how to walk again. He drank again that weekend.
Liquor + Beer + LNO – Many things happened during the last 2 I attended. The first, Tibbs did not pregame. Good start one would think (from an “I have to deal with him at the end of the night” point of view) consumed a lot of beer. Then came the shots from friends and fellow ballers. He started throwing cherry stems at the bar tender lady, was asked to leave for spitting on the seats and chatted up the boobs that came with the faces that looked great from the beer. (Other half opinion here) I had help tossing him in a taxi and the night was rough there after.
2nd LNO was ridiculous. Mass pregaming and too many people putting alcohol in his hands. Fast-forward a few hours and he leaves with Jpro. They walk the streets toward “home” in the wrong direction and both with wobbly legs go down hard. Jpro with a bleeding head and Tibbs just out. I was gone and after knowing he had been found and in good hands with Jrod and Serge I was not worried. He was tossed in the trunk and taken back to Somerville where he spent the night on the couch. Please reference this evening on Youtube.
As you can see, Tibbs is partier. You will always be made aware of your inability to match his skills and of course how gay you are. At some point he will black out but you may not notice. He will continue to ask for more drinks and will carry on in conversation, sometimes with arms flailing and sometimes propped up against the wall. The known result is that you will always have fun in his presence and the unknown and fun (I’m sure more fun for others) factor is just what Tibbs will do next.