Random Thoughts From CAC Headliners

***Just some Random Reading Material from some of your CAC favorites…

The Tical Mini Spot Light – Featuring some of the CAC elite

This section of the blog is brought to you by Tommy Doyles, Yaz Birth Control and JZuk, who is also a poster child for birth control. Please reduce the chance of having a dumpster baby by using Yaz. Our Waste Management custodians thank you in advance for your responsibility.

1. JZuk, you are missed already by those at CAC, but we want to know who will you miss the very least at CAC?

Before I get to your question, let me take this opportunity to point out the fact that Tical notified me of this interview request via email from his PERSONAL AOL address.

Seriously, who uses AOL anymore?

While there was once a time in which I was one of the most sought after late night chat companions on the “50s+ Jewish Singles” chat rooms….I put that skeleton in the closet a long time ago…I retired my AOL account, and I don’t plan on pulling a Michael Jordan any time soon.

Tical, trust that you are in good company with a plethora of 85 year olds and pedophiles.

Hell, out of pity I will send you my little black book of my old chat room contacts…hopefully “iLuvMatzaBalls07” is still active – she was a hot ticket.

On to your question….so who will I miss the very least at CAC?

Wow, this is a tougher decision than the time BFab had to choose between ordering the chicken fried steak or the chicken fried chicken…

Seeing as how I enjoyed being in the presence of most of the schmuks I met during my time at the CAC, this is a challenging question…Tical, honestly I was preparing myself for a sexually incriminating question…I know you like to get down to business from the start…

While, I will admit that this creature popped my smack talking cherry and provided me with my first line of comedic credit along the CAC circuit, I would have to say that I will not have any wet dreams about Kap any time soon.

Tical, you remember my first season with the CAC with the B2 South Winter of 2010? While I know you were often times basking in the glow of my CAC virginity, I also know that even you could not help but notice this “Where the Wild Things Are” creeper throwing more balls at rims than a Catholic Priest. Yes, I’m talking about the one and only Kap.

I don’t know if everyone is aware, but Kap is set for life. Since he was born he has been collecting royalties from the J.R.R. Tolkien Foundation for the inspiration of the Schmiegal character featured in The Lord of the Rings stories.

Also, for the record, Kap, is contemplating having reconstructive surgery on his hands so as to turn them both in to vaginas (that might be a rumor…I’ll check my sources).

Wow, I should have asked you to give me 100 words or less. In Kap’s defense, if my hands were vaginas I would never leave my house and I would at least have something on my body that needed shaving. Say what you want about Kap my little southern brisket, but the man seems like he is always on your mind. Despite all the hatorade you dump on him, even being a thousand miles away, you still can’t shake him.

2. You traded in all your CAC dreams to clean people’s teeth for a living. Lord knows, down south there is plenty of job security down there. Tell me this…when you fulfill the dream of every little jewish boy (that does not grow up to be an entertainer or control the music business), to open your own dental practice, will you PLEASE fix Michael Strahan’s teeth!

Your comment about the South is right my friend – many of the folks here look like they are on a strict diet of rock sandwiches and tobacco cocktails. I will have tons of people to practice on – that’s the truth.

As for Strahan – I would definitely have to use all of my skills to help him out – I think even Maroney could find a way to sneak through that gap!

Too soon after a tough loss to Joe Montana, excuse me, Mark Sanchez. Sorry, the Pats D confused me Sunday.

3. Is it true, during your CAC exit interview with CAC, you shapeshifted into a twenty dollar bill and ran down the CAC hallways to watch Tibbs and Josh chase you?

It’s crazy how Tical always has the inside scoop! Yes, it is true, after I shape shifted, I was chased by both the Commish and Tibbs…I eventually dodged them by sneaking in to the weight room – I can’t really remember much of the chase after that. All I know is that I woke up with a pounding headache.

Later, one of the CAC patrons who witnessed everything told me I got excited when I looked in the mirror and apparently ran in to it….

The above just goes to show, there aint no such thing as half way JZuk’s, scared to death scared to look. We will get him back in some email chains further along the season, but lets see who else actually responded to some of my annoying emails around CAC.

***Tical’s Mini Spot Light shifting gears to another CAC alum. This section of the blog is brought to you by sleeveless Under Armor shirts, Bronze Medals and both their CAC Spokesman, Matty Bells

1. There was a solid month of pick up at CAC this past off season and you were out there recruiting like the Sergen in his hayday However, how is it that you have not picked up, “Pick Up” Chuck aka C-Murda, fresh off a truly mesmorizing off season at CAC pick up and 2 new Just For Men Commercials along side Walt Frazier and Dan Fouts?

The offer was on the table, but C-Murda declined. Apparently, Big Chuck took a glance at the CAC Rules page (Yes, that page exists) and came away slightly disgusted.

Chuck: “These rules are an abomination! Back in my day, when I was in prison, we didn’t have no fancy “3-second” rules or “scoreboard”. You know how we kept score? With teeth, Matt. We kept score with human teeth. And don’t EVEN get me started on the nine-game season! What’s up with that!!!????”

C-Murda is like the Birdman of CAC. Dude just commands respect from the CAC pick up crowd. And let me just commend you for using the waiver wire and picking up anyone who wasn’t nailed down at Pick Up to play for your upcoming teams. Like I said, I haven’t seen anyone work the waiver wire like that since the Sergen. Anyone who has been at CAC for more than a few years has played a season with the Sergen (see my A2 pre Big Nice days). It’s like a right of passage. Congrats on starting the new tradition like no, well, one other.

2. When Josh and Tibbs raise the Matty Bells banner at your CAC retirement, will you have more championships than the most recent B1g East champ, John Thompson?

I’m not optimistic.

John winning a championship is easily, Top-5, the worst thing that’s ever happened on Earth. I wanna send out a big thanks to Terry and Burke for making that happen. Great job, fellas.

You know what I did like, though? I liked the fact that the Roc Boys actually “celebrated” on the court. Some people may have thought it was excessive, but its not like they cut the nets down (Josh made sure to have all sharp objects removed from the building before the game).

I’ve only been around to see a few champion games, and every one of those games have ended with some apathetic “yahooo” from the victors. I mean, lets not kid ourselves; winning a CAC Championship is a big deal. Its three-times more important than the stupid NIT Tourney, and hell, I’ve seen fans storm the court for that crap.

I went off on a tangent there, didn’t I. The point is this:

1: Its unlikely I’m ever going to win a championship.

2: In the chance that I do, hide the women and children.

***Great stuff to get things rolling as CAC starts the 2010 fall.  Until next week…