List of Stuff in my Apartment, My Ass…
As I was bumming another ride home from Serge last week, I noticed a crumpled up piece of paper on the floor. Being the good guy I am, I went to throw it away, but couldn’t make myself do it without seeing what it was. After all, any inside info on Serge’s life is prime blog material. It’s too surreal to describe, so hereís the transcript.
Attn: Sergeon General
Re: Betting Scandal
From: FBI & IRS Headquarters
Over the course of the past 2 years, the IRS has been investigated some very sketchy tax returns by an unexpectedly wealthy bald man, known throughout the world as Czar Commish. Unexpectedly, a shocking development fell into their lap. Over that same time period, one of our informants, a Mr. HXTMXN (whoops, who forgot to edit that out?) tipped us, the FBI, off to strange betting patterns that were taking place within your organization. The deeper we dug, the more damaging this information became. A complex Betting Scandal involving a pair of C.A.C. refs, the Irish Mob, and a possible cover-up by some prominent C.A.C. higher-ups (said Bald Man) is forcing us to take more action.
Thatís why you’ve been singled out to help us blow the lid off of this scandal. Ever since Tibbs started posting lines almost 2 years ago, the same time that the IRS has been investigating the gym for fraud, the action on C.A.C. games has multiplied more than one hundred fold. Mr. HXTMXN (whoops, again) was in the middle of hundreds of thousands of dollars changing hands. Bettors were willing to pay a massive 25% vig just to get in on these games, so we looked the other way while milking him for information. Other bookies and the Bald Man, who has a hand in everything that goes on under his roof, were getting richer with each new season. Vegas, desperate to get in on the action, had begun posting these lines as gospel. They had never seen these wannabes play, so figured only a man on the inside could get an accurate perspective. With huge money, came huge upsets, inexplicable almost, the number that favored teams that began falling.
Now we all know upsets happen, in the playoffs and regular season, but the rate at which they happen within Wall Ball Arena is unprecedented. No league in the country has more 8v1, 7v2, 6v3, and 4v1 upsets than yours. Itís not just the upsets, but sure blowouts are overtime nail biters, teams favored by 2, win with enough free throws at the buzzer to just cover, are you catching on yet? You must know what that means, a certain diminutive ref, and one balding, were square in our crosshairs. They must have been corrupted. But how can two refs, who are there only for ‘the love of the game and mediocre players’ be corrupt? While we have no definitive proof, yet, of any misdeeds, we have noticed two things about these two ‘refs’. One has put himself through law school without taking out any loans while living with Mommy Dearest as a cover up. The other has recently put in a bid buy Rogaine on Ebay, not a box, but the whole company. With tiny paychecks and no benefits to speak of, they are clearly taking action on the side.
We’re assuming that they only get paid out when things go the right, read: rigged, way. So what we’re asking of you is of the utmost importance. No special training is needed for this assignment; we just need you to do what you do best, spread misinformation. You, the Sergeon General, will be contacted the day of certain games and be given lies to spread like ‘Player Y is just getting back from a 3 day Vegas binge’ or ‘Player X has babysitting duties tonight, go the other way.’ With key misinformation like this spread throughout the gym, we’ll be able to nab the S.o.B.s that have been ruining the integrity of play at Wall Ball Arena. Have no fear that you will go uncompensated for your work. A lifetime supply of Grande Steak Burritos, Gatorade, and Large Towels will be at your disposal, whenever you desire. Every non-member knows how valuable those towels are, so you should be thanking us for our generosity.
Please proceed with the utmost caution, as we do not know the full extent of the corruption over at C.A.C. and we will claim no knowledge of anything should you be caught and disposed of in the near future. This message may destruct in the next few seconds, should you set it on fire. You will be hearing from us.