Staff CACmandments

I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m getting up there. Players have even begun to refer to me as “Sir.” Next they’ll stop arguing my calls, for fear of hurting the old man’s feelings. Once it gets to that point, I’ll be forced to retire for the 17th time in as many seasons. Since I sense the end may (or may not) be imminent, I feel it is my duty to pass certain things down from Mount CACmore to my fellow recently-hired-off-craigslist staffers. As the title of this blog exhibits, this is the first in a series of ten, so please stay tuned.

So, here is a 20 step process that you newbies can follow to guarantee creative, flawless, and impeccably crafted write-ups.* It also wouldn’t harm some of you veterans to refresh your knowledge of the 20 steps once in a while –  always remember the importance of Ductus Exemplo.


Step 1: Brainstorm, preferably within 48 hours of the actual game as to not forget all the important details.


Step 2: Convert ideas into actual sentences in English, King James version.


Step 3: Form paragraphs with relevant footnotes to guide the reader’s eye (Chicago style).


Step 4: Submit draft for peer review and requst feedback within 36 hours.


Step 5: Read feedback from peer review.


Step 6: Follow up with peers and lambaste them for their critiques.


Step 7: Find other peers to review that won’t provide feedback other than how great of a writer I am.


Step 8: Submit to the UN for pre-approval.


Step 9: Spell-checkand consult thesauras.


Step 10: Wait for email from Tibbs yelling for write-ups.


Step 11: Auto-reply to Tibbs that they will be up ASAP.


Step 12: Wait for 2nd email from Tibbs yelling for write-ups.


Step 13: Auto-reply to Tibbs that work has been “crazy” this week and you are “swamped.”


Step 14: Wait for next week’s games to get feedback from players involved in previous week’s games.


Step 15: Blackline changes to submit to UN for approval.


Step 16: Submit to the Webmaster for posting on the website.


Step 17: Realize that I can submit them myself for posting.


Step 18: Ask Tibbs again for website login credentials (which haven’t changed by the way in 10 years).


Step 19: Log-in and submit write-ups.


Step 20: Repeat.

*This method does not take efficiency, timeliness or relevancy into account, and may actually infurate league players and offices alike (commonly referred to as the JBerr method).