Tainted Love? The Zyme Era

“Tainted Love?” The Zyme Era – A CAC Investigative Report

CAC is home to many ballers.  Some choose to fly solo in draft leagues, while others are drawn to certain “franchises.”  During the mid to late 2000’s, CAC became the home to a Cambridge based franchise.  Since the investigation is still on going, let’s just call them G-Zyme for privacy reasons.  At the head of this vast empire was man, known on the streets, as “Diamond BFab” Fabry.

On the surface, “Diamond BFab” seemed like just another CAC General Manager.  However, as the seasons progressed, the championships began to pile up.  At first, CAC was mesmerized at the talent that Diamond BFab was able to recruit to play for his teams.  But as the championships amassed and every top recruit seemed to choose to sign with the Zyme, CAC became suspicious and sicked their top investigative dog on the case.

My investigation took me to a place where NO ONE at CAC has ever been…The “Rules Tab” located on the CAC Website.  Rule 11.1 outlines the CAC Franchise recruiting restrictions, which include restrictions on texting, calling and contacting possible recruits, as well as the prohibition on providing benefits to recruits.

After finding my CAC baseline, I hit the Cambridge streets and started talking to the seedy underbelly of Cambridge…the men’s recreational basketball boosters.  Posing as the most sought after towel boy in the country, looking to get a free ride as the equipment manager for a recreational basketball team, I began over hearing boosters talk about how all the top recruits go to “Happy’s Tattoo and Piercing Palor” located in Harvard Square as well as Ernie Boch Jr’s Corvette Dealership on the Automile (Cmon Down!).  “All you got to say is ‘Diamond Bfab’ sent you,” boasted a rather portly fellow in the back room, handing me a Zyme employment application.

Using all of my spy skills learned watching the Austin Powers trilogy, I started my investigation by paying a visit to Happy’s, looking for a Tramp Stamp that says, “If its puckered, give it a kiss.”  As I entered Happy’s, all I had to do was say the magic words, “Diamond BFab sent me” and I was whisked away into a chair.  While Happy was foraging for tissues to stop my crying (needles hurt on your lower back), I was able to steal a copy of his “Da Zyme Manifest”, conveniently located under a sign that said “please do not remove from store and blog about.”

Upon review of the Manifest, I was appalled.  Just as suspected, there in back and white was the list of certain Zyme players next to a column that stated what was given to the player.  This couldn’t be?!

I was getting somewhere, but I had to keep digging, so with my lower back still stinging, I gingerly drove my Bentley down to Ernie Boch Jr’s dealership. In a loud and annoying voice I heard a small man with a bad comb-over, “Heyyyyyyy, thanks for cmmmmmoning onnnnnn down to the Automile, how can I help you?”

“Diamond BFab sent me.”

Instantaneously, large chested Jezebels, in bikinis, with 2 eight-balls of pure, finely cut Nicaraguan cocaine came out from the back room and led me to a shiny new 2013 Corvette.  I didn’t even know the 2013’s came out this early but when you are dealing with a guy nicknamed “Diamond”, you come to expect the unexpected.

After the ensuing coke-orgy in the back seat of, apparently, my new Corvette, the gentleman from the car store came back to the car and offered to clean the seats off and wipe the powder from my nose (Now, that’s service).  While this gentleman was cleaning off the love explosions, I thought this would be the perfect time to try and find this store’s version of the Da Zyme Manifest.  After only a few moments, I found what I was looking for under the back room register.

Just as with Happy’s, Ernie Boch Jr.’s dealership kept a ledger consisting of the list of the Zyme player and what the player received.  It became evident that Diamond BFab was giving his recruits carte blanche, a direct violation of CAC’s restriction against providing.

Now I am starting to feel like Redford and Hoffman in “All the President’s Men,” so I sat down with the man known as “Diamond BFab” to confront him about the contents of the books I found.

In the 215 First Street Lobby, I sat down with BFab.  Without even a friendly ‘hello Newman, excuse me, BFab’ I slammed the books down on the table and rolled my sleeves up.  BFab just sat across from me with a smug grin.

“Right here!!! [pointing to the pages of the book]

‘V. Tran’ received a butterfly tattoo on his right foot and a black 2005 Corvette.

‘Khalid L.’ received a Goofy tramp stamp, got a 2009 Vette and apparently was never billed for the mess he made in the back of one of the show cars at the dealership.  The two girls will be fine, but it appears that the ferret had to be put down.

‘T. Billett’ received two Prince Alberts and a 2008 Corvette.  The list goes on.  All paid by known associates of you or the Zyme around the time these players signed on to work at the Zyme. [slamming the books shut] You ran a dirty program BFab!!! Money, cars, ho’s, and apparently some serious mistreatment of animals.  That dam ferret wasn’t even 18!!!  You are lucky I don’t have PETA down here looking at your boys!”

BFab wasn’t fazed. The grin on his face was only wiped away when he slyly told me, “You aint got nothing on me ‘boy wonder’.  I never violated any CAC recruiting rules and by no means was my leaving the Zyme related to any possible CAC suspensions.  Nothing in your little books over there [pointing to the books] was ever paid directly by me, individually, or the Zyme, to recruits prior to their employment at the Zyme.  [pulling out receipts from the stores, employment records, etc… confidently dropping them on the table] Go ahead, take a look.  I was just a GM and players wanted to play for me.”

Carefully inspecting the receipts like a man reviewing his AIDS test results, I combed through the piles of paperwork until I came to one that had a familiar sound.  “What’s this?” I said holding up a $10,341.00 bar tab from Tommy Doyles, (CAC’s sponsor if you did not know already).

Taking the receipt from my hand, BFab looked over the receipt and cheerfully explained, “Oh, yes, that was a Zyme company outing that happened to take place after a CAC basketball game. We have witnesses that are willing to testify in any formal CAC proceedings that the party contained only Zyme employees, even some employees that did not play basketball. No recruits were at this or any other event that I or Zyme paid for.  Look, I can’t help it if some of our best players are also our some of our best employees.  They were, and always are, employees first, basketball players second.”

Then, there was an awkward silence and ensuing Mexican stare down.  Neither of us was blinking until I pulled out, what I thought would be Trump Card.  What about allegations that Lew Finnegan was reportedly busted for selling his A2 Championship T-Shirt on Craigslist?” I asked.

“To the best of my knowledge, Mr. Finnegan sold his A2 Championship to raise money for finding a cure for a rare condition that leaves baby seals blind,” BFab replied as he handed me financial statements and receipts from some tree-hugging organization.  “He did not ‘profit’ from any transaction as you can see.  It would appear that all you have is circumstantial evidence, paranoia, and jealously so if there isn’t anything else, I have to get back to my family.  We are going to church before our weekly work at a local soup kitchen.”

The man knows how to create a paper trail, but that still does not absolve this man and the Zyme championships, people!  From reviewing the Zyme employment records, the receipts and ledgers, something stinks here and it aint the decaying flesh around my tattoo.

Just as I thought I had rattled BFab’s monkey cage, as he was walking away from his chair, he pulled a folder from his brief case and tossed it down on the table.  Trying to pull a “Columbo” on me and said, “Oh, just one last thing there Narc.  Turns out Ernie Boch is an old family friend and just so happen to have a couple cameras in his parking lot.”  Seems like my earlier escapades at the dealership were caught on camera.  “Was it cold in that car?” the Diamond One chuckled as he walked away, throwing on his avaitor sunglassess.

Well, the ball is in my court.  Most of you rely on me as the integrity of CAC.  Therefore, despite these damaging photos that will soon be plastered to some message board post,  I am still going to move forward and file a Rule 11.78 Motion to have the Zyme championships erased from the banners and removed from the CAC archives. In accordance with Rule 11.78, if it is voted upon by CAC players and CAC staff (teehee) that there is a preponderance of evidence that the Zyme committed recruiting violations, their teams can be erased from the record books and all players who have played for the Zyme (YES EVEN YOU ROY) must be ruled ineligible during their tenure at the Zyme.  Rock the vote people.  We need a 51% of votes in favor of a finding recruitment violations.  Please submit your paper vote to the CAC front desk or your scorekeeper.

I will not be owned and will not stand for injustice, even if Mama Ticals sees me knee deep in a hooker…

The Corner, “Where integrity meets hooker stories.” (c)

Sorry, comments are closed for this post.