The B1 5v5 West Preview, 2011 Winter Edition

Q: When and where do the best basketball players get together for a great string of friendly and highly competitive games in the metro-Boston area?
A: Simple. On Thursday nights in Charlestown brought to you by the CAC.

With that being said, the B1 5v5 West is back with a freakin’ vengeance this session. The talent pool increased over the autumn as some top-notch basketball talent found its way to Thursday nights. This league’s got ten teams that will vie for the top spot in the East and the eventual right to play the B1 5v5 West Champ after an eight-team playoff. The regular season definitely matters as #9 and #10 are because you don’t want to be one of those fat losers who strike out in slow-pitch softball. Suddenly, you’re buying a thirty-rack for the rest of the league as you ponder your own shallow existence as you try to figure out the exact degree of your suckdom. But hey, I’m sure all you guys will make the playoffs. Here’s a ribbon for participating, don’t say I didn’t warn you. By the way, no other staffer talks smack like this.

On with the dance and the meaningless information I’m gleaming from another Tibbs e-mail, here are some predictions and some great opportunities to rip people to shreds.

Lotion In The Basket: The team that won the summer 2010 league, but really that’s like saying “Look at me, I won at all-you-can-eat buffet contest at when you really just went for all-you-can-eat pizza on Tuesday night at the Papa Gino’s in Charlestown.”
Other non-STD related ailments that plague this team::
Billy Fratelli hasn’t made a free throw since Bill Clinton was getting pizza jobs from interns at the White House.
Chris Kerr, Superstar is now being played by Jaleel White at The Wollaston Theatre after a sharp fall from grace. Will Chris ever come back from such depths? Probably not, should still be fun to watch him try and fail.
Cheese and Jumpman just celebrated their 35th and 36th birthdays, respectively.
James Spidle’s shoulders will be broken by Week 1 with all this weight to carry.

The Big Tickets: Steady as they go, a perennial contender…but it’s been awhile since they’ve won anything (how about team stat pages?) and the league’s just getting harder. Sure, Ben Max is a fantastic PG, Pete Arcoma can shoot 3s like no other big guy, and the other guys can all score and make things happen with ease. Rob Berlan and Matt Jacobs could be the new guys that put this team over the top. Still, I wouldn’t trust Mike Bavuso. What are you doing putting a great moving company like Big Foot Moving and Storage in a dumphole of a town like Arlington, MA? When Dane Cook and empty video stores are your claim to fame, maybe it’s time to get famous another way.

Leroy Smith’s Motivation: Overall, one of the better team names in awhile in any division of the CAC’s basketball Ottoman Empire. Good to see that Glover, Dearborn, Dutton, and Fabian have returned from a few seasons ago, but with some new firepower. I’ve got no idea if they’ll be any good, but LeRoy Smith will give you more than a few chuckles along with some YouTube clips. Leroy and Scoop Go 1v1 About Motivating Michael

Boneyard: These guys will be another legit contender as they were A5v5 finalists a few seasons ago. New roster as they bring back the Dickson Bros. and Steve Furber with other pieces. With the three guys mentioned, a good squad. And maybe I’m stretching, but really? The boneyard? With all the hullabaloo about Michael Vick and his dogfighting ring, shouldn’t the last thing a basketball team be called is “Boneyard”? Why couldn’t a more politically sensitive name like Milkbone (But Made With Soy and Raised Naturally!) or All The Pretty Little Flowers I Ate For Breakfast or Eagles, Medium Rare be considered? I just wish people would be more correct.

Team PC: What an awesome name! Politically correct is the way to go as are broadcasting your politically correct views on a personal computer!!! This way, no one will ever have their feelings hurt and everyone can sing Kumbaya and drink chamomile tea with each other! The only familiar name on the board is Dan Ollquist. Hey, that’s my teammate on the Slaughterhouse-Six team that plays in the A1 on Monday nights at CAC that’s going to run the table and go 12-0, establishing a name for themselves in the pantheon of greats! If Dan put this team in the league, they’re bound to win games because that’s what winners do!!!

The Corp: Last time I wrote the name Mike Turin…we engaged in a bizarre feud that involved me calling him out in a 1v1 game and then Turin ended up giving me a Northern Lights suplex off the balcony, resulting in the CAC’s lone dead spot on the floor. That’s what I get for trying to catch heat off a real CAC legend. Alas, Turin and Kreg Peerless can both play basketball, particuarly when it comes to grabbing rebounds. Sure, some of the names of Mugar and Riordan are familiar. And the other guys on the roster will probably be okay. This team will be heard from, but probably down at the bottom of the standings until Kreg starts ripping 20 and 10s every week without flipping out at himself. This is going to be a fun season!

Young & Reckless: Never heard of you. Bottom of the league. Eat these words.

Orange Crush: Syracuse sucks. Fanta sucks. Florida sucks. And you still can’t name a word that rhymes with orange, suckas!!!

AMAG: Pluses: Tim Brady’s back from New York. Minuses: I have no idea who the rest of these schmoes are. If only this was like that bad Michael Keaton movie where multiple Michael Keatons run around where five Tim Bradys could be on the court. This is a frightening and a bizarre preview, isn’t it?

44 Minutes (Running Time) of Hell: Last and probably least, my favorite team name. Whenever you can invoke the great Nolan Richardson of the Tulsa Shock and an odd nuance about the Cambridge Athletic Club’s 5v5 league actually giving you a good chunk o’ minutes, this reeks of a winner. By the team name alone, it screams ‘veteran presence’ and that’s a good thing. I’ve seen names like B-Robb and Sharkey before…but I’ll bet a couple of Thomas Jeffersons, this team will do well only because they know the ropes. Let’s face it, 44 minutes of hell never sounded so great because it’s on the basketball court.

Good luck to all of you this season whether you’re at The Boys & Girls Club in Charlestown or at Charlestown HS week-to-week. January 31 is when the real madness begins on Thursday nights, courtesy of the CAC Basketball League.

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