The REAL Co-Ed Awards Show ~ Arrested Development

You can try and beat a man down but his character truly shows on how he responds. Figure that should be a good motto to live by after my tumultuous 12-day stay at the finest Cambridge “hotel” money can by. I mean – if I’m going to spend $4,000-plus taxes, fees, etc – where else would you stay other then in a condemned building while breathing in asbestos in Cambridge? Why worry about the Hotel Marlowe? Too fancy, right?

In fact – I even had a beautiful view of the Charles River while not being able to enjoy the sites, sounds, and smells of the fresh air!! While we are at it – why not even be able to see the building you worked in the past 6 ½ years (Genzyme) knowing you held important meetings there only two months ago only to now be unemployed and spending time in the city anyway? How ironic, no?

After I saw Gerrity and Tibbs’ weak sauce attempt at an Awards Show – I promised something to you all every week during Vegas Lines – so why wouldn’t I deliver? That would be like being thrown in jail for simply driving with a suspended license for 12 whole days and THEN have your employers abandon you. Totally ridiculous and not even fathomable, right? Been working on this since Week 8 and this is not even the All-Jackhole Awards Show which gets its own page.

Tibbs and Five Hard Fouls did a fine job – but if you don’t know that Dana “Mpney” Monnier is a possible MVP recipient then you don’t know the inner workings of the Co-Ed Naked Dance Party we have been running the past 9-10 weeks. In fact – Dana is a man – not a woman, Gerrity. Yikes. Hopefully that gaffe has now been averted. Tells me Tibbs is relying solely on stats (as usual).

Even better? Not including Lindsay’s take (she only works half the schedule) shows that you two buffoons are all about hearing yourselves talk…shameful.

Post-script: With 12 teams on board in the third run at the Co-Ed title – it was easy to “spread the love” with the Awards. I spoke recently with Rory Duyon, captain of the Game…Blouses squadron and discussed my plight in a little detail. If you have questions about “where has Bfab been” he should know.

In tonight’s Co-Ed First Round Match-ups…

Tough way to start for both teams as they faced off last season in the finale. But Game Blouses ends Genzyme‘s championship defense before it starts. I’m giving Genzyme the 3.5 points reluctantly – but I know Adam B from the Jersey Shore is just licking his chops to knock off Rory and Company again…

Wheels of Steel already lost to the Rim Jobs but are favored in this one? Well – they should be. Only team that can lay claim to taking down the Weapons and the Wheels were not rolling on all cylinders early in the year. I give ATRJs some respect the final weeks – and they drop their last two. So – I’m going back to disrespecting them and maybe they can knock off Boy Wonder, Mouligne Rouge, Mr. Trip Dub (Roberts) and Pickle for a shocking upset. Not so fast…I’m taking the Wheels to advance to the semis.

Weapons favored by 13.5? Almost disrespectful to the #1 seed actually. The Babies snuck into the playoffs as the second rookie team to break the top 8. Kudos – but it’s time to tune up the band and The Rocc and Mr. Southern New Hampshire will take this opportunity to sharpen their tools for the Genzyme-GB match-up they face in a tough semifinals battle. Weapons by 20.

Record against the spread: (two weeks ago 5-1). Total: 25-16-1 overall. Discounting the final week of the season when I only cared about seeing civilization again – I pulled a 61% on the Vegas Lines. Not too shabby for covering this league for the very first time. Child please.

ON WITH THE SHOW:

MVP : Mike Rocco (Weapons of Mass Seduction)

I polled all of the captains and this was the only unanimous selection. “The Rocc” was outstanding (24.1 PPG; 16.1 RPG) and only missed two games (not sure of last week obviously) all season long when it was deemed in the pre-season that he may be “an attendance problem”. The one he missed hurt though with WOMS losing a tough one to the Wheels of Steel to ruin an undefeated regular season. That kind of showed he truly is the MVP of this team and his numbers show he is the Mack of the CAC. Maybe having The Rocc sit out was Evil Harvey’s plan all along so Tibbs doesn’t kick them out of this league? I like your style Harv – you know that already though.

The Rocc outpaced his running mate Dilleso by almost 10 points in the Player Rater race as well.

Runners-Up: 2. Terry Henderson (Shirt Before the Shirt); 3. Tristan Mouligne (Wheels of Steel); 4. Paul Nimblett (Dizzy Llama White); 5. Dana Monnier (Ballocrats)

Women’s MVP: Loren Turner (Shirt Before The Shirt):

This was a tough decision for the voters with last year’s MVP (Erin Johnson) running a close second. Loren single-handedly kept SBTS an above-.500 team with sub-par seasons from Orange Slices, Tibbetts, and Gripp. Turner was 37% from three-land guarded mostly by men and played outstanding defense on the other end of the floor – usually on the other teams’ best guard (ask Van Tran for Genzyme) as SBTS was not very guard-heavy on the male side of the equation. Turner’s play picked up quite a bit of steam in the second half and could solely be the fact that the chocolate candies out of the Das Boot Championship Trophy gave her an edge over everyone else. Loren loves her chocolate…

Erin Johnson (Weapons) does deserve mention here as she still is the Co-Ed active and career assist queen in all of Co-Ed Land. (insert link). A few factors hurting Magic’s back-to-back MVP campaign were the lack of assists this season (3.8 vs. 6.3 APG last season) and the rookie Turner coming on strong in the second half. Johnson was also hurt with Will Dilleso controlling the ball quite a bit on the top of the key limiting the assist queen’s chances of repeating with his nightly jack-o-thons.

Jane Stockton got married, drank tequila south of the border, and it lit her up so much she was shooting 80% from three-land in the final three games. That’s some good f’n tequila – pass it on! Seriously – 80%. Too little too late for the MVP though.

Runner’s Up: 2. Erin Johnson (WOMS); 3. Steph “Jane Stockton” Baran (Game…Blouses); 4. Gwen Browne (Genzyme); 5. Sara Doherty (WOMS)

Rookie of the Year: Brian “Jesus” Enright (Dizzy Llama Black):

Honestly – Will the Thrill “Mr. Southern New Hampshire” Dilleso had this locked, stocked, and barrelled until his meltdown in a game against Shirt Before the Shirt. In a 30-point victory – he got ejected and essentially cost his team an undefeated season. Can’t honestly hand out awards to hot heads like me. Cause I never get em either. Winners don’t need “awards”, Will.

But that should not slight Jesus’ hanging and dazzling us every week. Poppa Llama found a diamond in the Llama rough with Enright. In fact, Will Dilleso had so many other options – including an All-Star women’s squad (EJ, Sara, Marino) that would give some all-male 3v3 teams in this league a run for their money. Not even to mention the MVP to dump passes into and get back the rock on a kick out for the easy three-bee. Enright did just the same numbers-wise as Will did with a hell of a lot less. More with less – that’s what puts Jesus on top in the Co-Ed for ROY.

Runners-Up: 2. Will Dilleso (WOMS); 3. Kirill “Chewy” Chipukkin (Back Door Babies), 4. Dave Grubb (Dizzy Llama Orange); 5. Mike Perrone (Above the Rim Jobs).

Women’s Rookie of the Year: Sarah Jo Roberts (Above the Rim Jobs):

This was a two-player race as Sarah Jo outpaced (barely) Sarah Briggs. Briggs seemed to come with the better resume as rumor has it there is a college pedigree for playing hoops in Briggs past, but it was the feisty Sarah Jo who entertained us all – not only with her game – but also with her potty mouth. I mean – no one is going to out “shat talk” Gripp and Marino but Sarah Jo was just showing us how to ball with the boys and get noticed.

That’s how the awards work to be honest. Get a nickname, have a “T” party with the ref, or just pontificate with me on the sidelines about how douchy Tibbs is. It will always win you an Award or ten.

Runner-Up: Sarah Briggs (Ballocrats).

Offensive Player of the Year: Will Dilleso (Weapons of Mass Seduction): 

The Perkins School for the Blind sponsored this award this season in a tribute to Tristan Mouligne’s former nickname for his erratic shooting touch but in a rare move – a rookie stood out and took this Award down. Now, now, now – everyone is probably clamoring for Nibs for this one – but just because you don’t play defense and just shoot every time you touch the ball – does not make you the OPOY. Just ask Henderson (SBTS) or Lawson (Genzyme)

No offense Nibbles – but across the board – the #2 Player Rater gets the nod over the former mixmaster for the Blouses and also just nips Mouligne Rouge for this one. Maybe if Monroe passed the ball more instead of airballing 8-footers – then Tristan runs away with this one. If the Wheels defeated Shirt Before the Shirt – even though I was not there – this Award may have gone a different way.

Runners-Up: 2. Paul Nimblett (Dizzy Llama White); 3. Tristan Mouligne (Wheels of Steel); 4. Terry Henderson; 5. Pat Lawson (Genzyme).

Woman O-Face Player of the Year – Gwen Browne (Genzyme):

I really, really, really should call this one a tie as the difference in Player Rater is a mere 0.4 per game between this season’s OPOY for the women and Caitlin Vestal. First things first – ties are weak and then who would debate my selections? But also – this comes more of what we usually expect from Pack a Vestal and the fact she missed a game or two as well.

Gwen Browne has been the entire roster for the defending champions. Sure – my girl Andrea Burgess holds down the fort for the 5-10 minutes of rest for Brown when she gets gassed but if we tracked minutes per game – Gwen would lead ALL players (men and women) despite Genzyme bringing 15 players a night for a 44-minute game. Probably averages 37-38 minutes a night while also moonlighting for the Genzyme Corporate team on Monday nights.

Gwen also was miserable in her first four games in the scoring department – only to break out with double-digit scoring in the final five games. That makes leading all women in PR even that more impressive as she was firing and hitting as many three-balls as Lawson dreams about.

Runners-Up: 2. Caitlin Vestal (Shirt Before the Shirt); 3. Loren Turner (Shirt Before the Shirt); 4. Heather Marino (WOMS); Erin Johnson (WOMS).

Defensive Player of the Year: Mike Rocco (Weapons of Mass Seduction):

Breaking a usual rule here as the CAC Crack Staff loves to spread the love with the Awards and recognizing most – if not every team – when it comes to Awards. But this one is just too easy and simple. And for those clamoring for another Dizzy Award – Pat Brown spread himself too thin with the Lincoln Hawk Experiment (just look at last season’s numbers) and hurt his chances at most – if not all – post-season awards.

The Rocc EASILY outpaced everyone in Defensive Player Rater points – but when it comes to defense – this is more of an “eye test” award rather then sheer numbers. Ask yourselves – going up for a layup – would you want “The Rocc” in your rear view mirror? I’d take my chances with anyone – and I mean anyone – else.

The surprise you should all have is the #1 runner-up – and the person I most thought about handing this Award to if I was to “spread the love”. Nate Brigham (Game Blouses) is the biggest unsung hero the Co-Ed Naked Party has each and every night. Watch a game for the Blouses and prove me wrong. The numbers do not necessarily show it – but when the Blouses need a big block, a super steal, an offensive rebound or just a quick outlet to Beiber – it seems it’s always Nate Dogg starting the break.

Not sure if Nate would make most people’s top 15 defensive players – but I’m instructed with actually watching the game of basketball – not padding my stats like the rest of you flowns. Nate – if a former D2 player from Bryant – who was recently named to the All-Decade team as a baseball player as well – wasn’t slumming here in the Co-Ed CAC machine…this would be yours. But speaking of spreading the love – and the Blouses know I love em…keep reading…

Runners-Up: 2. Nate Brigham (Game…Blouses); 3. Pat Brown (Dizzy White); 4. Brian Gelow (Thank You Jagermeister); 5. Adam Biehler (Genzyme).

Women’s Defensive Player of the Year – Steph “Jane Stockton” Baran (Game…Blouses):

Ahh – my tequila-drinking, three-point shaking, hostess with the mostess pulls down this one for leading all women in steals per game – averaging an even two swipes per contest, racking up the assist count despite Reddick’s penchant for being the league’s best Assist Assassin, and just being an overall gamer.

Steph beat out the “Dirtiest Player in the Game” as voted on by her peers – Sara Doherty (Weapons of Mass Seduction). Doherty knows what she can and can’t get away with – but doesn’t care either way. You want to come in the paint against Sara? Good luck. Same goes for the other runner-ups – Danielle Angellino and Smokeshow Marino. With post-up moves to burn – both Angel and Marino shined on defense but guards galore had trouble all season long with the Red Baran locking them up outside the key.

Special mention goes to my super-secret crush – Haley Thompson (Wheels of Steel), who took an offensive charge on a Llama (I think it was McConkey), didn’t get the call, got a bloody lip/nose, etc and shook it off like a champion. Monroe would have been in the hospital complaining of headaches – yet Thompson finished the game as the only woman on the roster that night. If that’s not playing defense – then I need a new job.

Runners-Up: 2. Sara Doherty (Weapons of Mass Seduction); 3. Danielle Angellino (Above the Rim Jobs); 4. Smokeshow Marino (Weapons of Mass Seduction); 5. Haley Thompson (Wheels of Steel).

Defensive Team of the Year – Wheels of Steel:

Close to a unanimous selection – the Wheels brought it on both sides of the ball this season and improved across the board (see below). I mean – Mouligne Rouge, Monroe, Roberts, and Pickle (Nicky A) all brought the noise this season. The defense even rubbed off on my archenemies Jason “The Greek” Baklavas. I already mentioned Haley – but what about Ali Dreyer? I mean there is not a human on this roster that didn’t play defense through the final seconds.

There is not a team in this league that can boast 7-8 players who all play defense. This is one of the only true team awards and the Wheels should be proud that not only do I recognize the effort – but their peers voted them the Defensive Team of the Year as well.

Runners-Up: 2. Game…Blouses; 3. Genzyme.

Most Improved – Tristan Mouligne (Wheels of Steel):

Usually this is an Award you give to a more “unsung person” who gets their numbers up across the board. But I watched last season as an official and Tristan may have played Wheels out of some games because his attendance was not the best – but not so this season.

Mouligne was a win away from taking down MVP or Offensive Player of the Year – but if I named him OPOY – it would slight his efforts on the other side of the ball. In fact, the most striking uptick in numbers were his assists. The assist count this season proved that not only Tristan was the third leading scorer in all of Co-Ed Land but he also went out of his way to make his team better.

Only one of two players to knock down a triple-double this season – with the other being his running mate, Matt Roberts. But it was the Pickle who he beat for this one. The Pickle joined the Wheels mid-season last year so the games played factored a little in my decision here. Nicky was almost considered a rookie as he didn’t play much in his first season, but in this campaign – Monroe is starting to build a nice championship caliber team. The Wheels have the defense down – but if they could hit a layup – maybe they would make a run at the title.

I really wanted to give this one to Pat Millena (Llamas Orange) for his true spirit of rolling in the Co-Ed. I tend to be a little harsh on the Italian Stallion but that’s what this is all about. Having fun, ripping each other, and having a post-game beer to laugh about it. Millena embodies the true spirit and vastly improved over last season when I intentionally tried to foul him out of games for his shenanigans just to get JZuk laughing. But with 12 teams and over 100 players to choose from – just too much competition for Millena to pull down his very first gold.

Runners-Up: 2. Pat Millena (Llamas Orange); 3. Nicky A (Wheels of Steel); 4. Joe “Nighthawk” McConkey (Llamas)

Most Improved – Women – Katie Munroe (Back Door Babies):

Honestly – this one was tough as Katie actually did not play last season, but played two seasons ago in the inaugural CAC Co-Ed launch season. Munroe not only improved her numbers across the board – but she also took over as GM from Ben Linsky so her duties were more and she still improved her game enough to

Runners-Up: Cynthia Lopez (Dizzy Orange); 3. Eileen Devlin (Dizzy White).

Sixth Man Award– Dave “Poppa Llama” Claffey (Dizzy Orange, Black, and White):

Ahh – a true sixth man is able to sacrifice himself and his stats for the better of the team. Claffey can ball but he is in charge of all three Llama teams, has to manage the rosters, get guys (see Lincoln Hawk) to play back-to-back some nights while still trying to keep his 8 PPG average up AND getting everyone major minutes.

Lots of guys on Game…Blouses are scratching their heads as Rory, Reddick (albeit due to injury) and Celli all seemed to be gunning for this Award as they sat on the sidelines to start most games. But the true tip of the cap goes to a guy who actually gave the Blouses their start too. So Poppa Llama is technically responsible for four of the 12 Co-Ed teams this season. Talk about chipping in from the sidelines. Can’t see me giving Poppa the GM of the Year Award when two of his three teams didn’t make the playoffs – but this one fits the bill perfectly.

Runners Up: Dave Celli (Game…Blouses); 3. Jerry Antone (Dizzy Llamas).

GM of The Year – Danielle Angellino (Above the Rim Jobs)

Honestly – this is my favorite award cause I know how difficult it is to put a good group together – not only athletically – but also to have some “Beer Tower” fun. If you don’t know what a Beer Tower is – you might as well skip to the next award because you aren’t in this discussion.

Yet – yeah, I’m talking about myself – I win 8 titles and I think I got ONE GM of the Year. One lousy GM of the Year. Seems a bit skewed if you ask me.

Didn’t matter if it was an All-Genzyme team (C League 4v4 Champs in the last season it existed comes to mind) or a collection of good guys and make it work (A2 last season – BDub, Henderson, SMul, the O’Keefes) or a fn draft league (A1 – first season as a captain – The Ghost and Mac-G – Title Town). I always love the challenge of putting together a few good men (and women – ask EJ about B2 5v5) to see if my putty magic works.

So – I truly know what it REALLY takes to put it all together. It’s easy to get guys and gals that are great at hoops – but do they all get along? Do they all still win despite maybe not liking a certain person’s offense? Or lack of defense?

So – the two-time defending GM of the Year goes to my Ms. Angel, who cooked me up a steaming bowl of pasta only to have Gerrity eat it. My loss. Despite the two-game losing streak, the Rim Jobbers surprised us all with a 5-2 record and a playoff berth before the final two games of the season. A big early season win over Wheels of Steel gives DA the GM title for the second year running over Matt Monroe – who was no slouch in adding Rich Levine and convincing Nicky Pickle to come back while adjusting over the loss of Big Bryan Arndt.

Also – despite my seething feelings for this individual – it would be extremely bias not to mention the rookie GM job of Jason Tibbetts in putting together a poporurri of CAC All-Stars and making it work for a 7-3 record. The win-loss record does not bother me much as if anything – the win over Monroe and the Wheels should have sealed the GM title for Tibbs. But his lack of jackhole respect during a game in which the 18th referee change happened in mid-season and it became a pissing match on if I should be helping the referee with Henderson three-pointers sealed his doom.

While Tibbs does the same thing at the 4v4 Octagon Arena – he questioned my morals when at the bigger King with blue tape ripped up by the little hooligans playing soccer at the King School. Shame on you – but at least you know why a rookie team that goes 7-3 loses the GM title.

Sorry Harvey – adding two guys that played D2 hoops doesn’t make you the GM of the Year. Or Marino for that matter.

Runners-Up 2. Jason Tibbetts (Shirt Before the Shirt); 3. Matt Monroe (Wheels of Steel)

All Defensive Team:

For the All-Defensive and All-Star teams – I tend to go with the NBA style of naming the teams based on position. So – for instance – while Brian Gelow and Pat Brown were in the discussion for Defensive Player of the Year – they happen to play the same position of the guy who won the whole enchilada. So I can’t just place five big men on the squad. We need balance. SO – they (along with Biehler and Garrett Tingle for Genzyme) are sadly left off the “team”. Here is the First-Team All-Defensive CAC CO-Ed squad for the Fall 2010 season.

1.C – Mike Rocco – Weapons of Mass Seduction
2.PF – Matt Roberts – Wheels of Steel
3.SF – Nate Brigham – Game…Blouses
4.SG – Matt Monroe – Wheels of Steel
5.PG – Dave Celli – Game Blouses

All-Women Defensive Team:

1.C – Smokeshow Marino (Weapons of Mass Seduction)
2.PF – Danielle Angellino (Above the Rim Jobs)
3.SF – Sara Doherty (Weapons of Mass Seduction)
4.SG – Steph Stockton Baran (Game…Blouses)
5.PG – Erin Johnson (Weapons of Mass Seduction)

All-Star Teams:

Let’s roll with the Women’s team first. Ladies should always come first actually. Especially those who like pickles.

All-Women’s First Team:

1.Gripp (Shirt Before the Shirt)
2.Gwen Brown (Genzyme)
3.Stockton (Game…Blouses)
4.Loren Turner (Shirt Before the Shirt)
5.Erin Johnson (Weapons of Mass Seduction)

Second-Team:

1.Sara Doherty (Weapons of Mass Seduction)
2.Eileen Devlin (Dizzy Llama White)
3.Heather Marino (Weapons of Mass Seduction)
4.Lauren Rappoli (Game…Blouses)
5.Sara Jo Roberts (Above The Rim Jobs)

All-CAC Men’s First Team:

1.Mike Rocco (Weapons of Mass Seduction)
2.Terry Henderson (Shirt Before the Shirt)
3.Tristan Mouligne (Wheels of Steel)
4.Will Dilleso (Weapons of Mass Seduction
5.Dana Monnier (Ballocrats)

All-CAC Men’s Second Team:

1.Mike Reddick (Game…Blouses)
2.Pat Brown (Dizzy White)
3.Pat Lawson (Genzyme)
4.Paul Nimblett (Dizzy White)
5.Matt Monroe (Wheels of Steel)

Bfab’s Team – this is the guys and gals I’m creating a real Co-Ed team with if I was choosing to put fun in front of winning – but winning is important too.. Good at hoops (not former Division 2 champions), good at laughs and fun, and can drink a few beverages or ten. With the beverages being the top priority of course.

Center – Rory Duyon
Power Forward – Henderson
Small Forward – Chris Harvey
Shooting guard – Lawson
PG – Lauren Rappoli
Sixth Man – Mike Gerrity (Thank You Jagermeister)

That’s the nuts and bolts my friends. Sure – I may follow up with the All-Jackhole Team – but that’s a whole nother 2,500 lines – just like my stay in Cambridge’s finest institution not named MIT. Enjoy

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