This season’s first installment of the Wolverine Trap features A/B League superstar Andy “The Human Pogo Stick” Danielson. Andy emerged in the B league a few league’s back as one of the best players I have seen in the gym. Therefore, we drafted (ok, sandbagged) him the very next season and he helped us run the table. And despite being quite possibly the best rebounder in the gym, you will never hear him say a word about it.
Wolverine: Hey, Andy. Thanks for being the first guest on this season’s Wolverine Trap.
AD: Wow, what an honor. Although I must say I’m a little intimidated to be sitting in the same hot seat as some of the classic Trapee’s from the past. My goal is to simply be a little more entertaining than that Jon Hanson kid.
Wolverine: The Reverend Jeff Coburn is the gold standard for sure. Introduce yourself to those who don’t know you, like where are you are from, what college you went to, sports you played, what hair gel you use, etc.
AD: Well, my childhood was pretty rough, growing up in the well-known ghettos of Indianapolis. Compton might have the rep, but we had our own heated gang wars. Not many people know it, but the brawl between the Topsiders and Hairybacks back in ’82 was the inspiration for Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video. But it wasn’t just the gangs either. You’ve never experienced raw fear until you’ve seen a family of seven 300 pounders attack the all-you-can-eat BBQ buffet at Sizzler.
Wolverine: Sounds a lot like the King Crab leg line at the Bellagio buffet.
AD: And you cannot possibly imagine the horrors of a cow-tipping session gone terribly wrong, or the terror of witnessing your friend having to refer to his mother as Aunt Susan. I still carry the scars with me. Anyway, I escaped to Amherst College and I played a couple different sports there….football and baseball for awhile, women’s lacrosse (that actually only lasted one day until the after-practice shower), then I finally settled on rugby. But being from Indiana, I couldn’t quite overcome the aching pull back to the basketball court……I mean racquetball court…I mean…
Wolverine: We will have to get a copy of that for the B league video this season. Next season, try not to win so many awards and you won’t have to do as many shots. Were you upset that you slipped to 6th in the A League draft, picked after unknown guys like Mike Kent, and old guys like me and Mr. MVP Jim Meldrim?
AD: Slipped to 6th? I thought that was pretty surprisingly high. I’ve learned that nothing beats experience and gamesmanship, and maybe a little pity in your instance (same team man), when determining the draft position. Well, those factors coupled with an intense dedication to league games…you know, only missing games under the direst of circumstances, say for the death of a family member or a poker game or something…
Wolverine: I am not sure you are truly grasping the same team concept, Andy. We will have to work on that over the coming months. Seriously, is there a better rebounder here at CRFC than you? I’d say no. What is the key to being such a good rebounder?
AD: The reigning rebounding champ is asking me for my secrets?? I’m pretty humbled. The biggest advantage I’ve got – and you’ve slowly been picking up on this – is that I know I’m a horrible shooter. Notice how I seem to get 90% of my boards off of my own bricks? It’s been well documented that I keep my eyes open on only about 32% of my shots. Then, while the opponents are laughing in disbelief, I just position myself where I think the ball will come off. Hell, I figure if I can’t load up on points, might as well load up on another stat. So the biggest key I’d say is learn to build off your weaknesses. And if that doesn’t work, then just try to be 6’4.
Wolverine: That strategy seems awfully familiar to me. Have you been reading my diary? Anyway, is it true though that Jon Hanson loaded actual pogo springs into your shoes to help with your rebounding?
AD: I was told by Hanson that those were league sanctioned. I have also just been alerted by him that any further comment by me on this subject will result in an immediate fine and possible suspension from the team.
Wolverine: Is there extra pressure being on the Commish’s A League team for the second straight season? I imagine it’s kind of like playing for the Milwaukee Brewers.
AD: Pressure? I don’t think so at all. Real pressure is standing on a karate mat after being swept in the leg when the only thing between Johnny and you are Mr. Miyagi’s words of wisdom and the love of Elizabeth Shue and….sorry, I digress. Seriously though, Josh is a competitive guy which I like. So each of his teammates gets a caning in the locker room after the game if he doesn’t get a double-double….is that so wrong? If so, I don’t wanna be right, man.
Wolverine: Would you rather star in an “action” movie with Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Garner?
AD: This is a close one to call. I really respect both women for their craft and for the contributions they’ve made to the acting profession, which are both mandatory characteristics if I’m to sacrifice my acting integrity to a movie. But….Angelina seems to put out more so I’ll go with choice A.
Wolverine: Always go with the one who puts out more. I gotta write that one down. Who do you think spends more money on parties – the Republicans or CRFC basketball?
AD: This is another tight one. We’re all well aware of the lavish extravaganzas of CRFC (I’ve been wondering what my $125 fee was for). However, we also know those right wingers, for all their meager posturing, also have been know to hang it all out. One big difference though. What puts the CRFC parties over the top is that we have to hire the prostitutes while the Republicans can just get the Bush girls liquored up and go to town for free.
Wolverine: I am a big Jenna fan. Does our championship loss to the Pimp Daddies still bother you to this day?
AD: I’ve led a pretty happy life, but never have I experienced darker days than last Sunday (I’m a Colts fan) and the night of our championship debacle. Let’s just say speaking of either still makes me nauseous (and slightly constipated for some reason). Let’s just say I never want to experience that sensation again….at least not with a girl around like last time. The problem is, I hate to say it but I think I’m turning into the modern day Buffalo Bills of CRFC …3 championship games in 3 seasons, and each time I’ve walked away with my #$@& in my hand. (Step back from the ledge, so much to live for…)
Wolverine: Don’t worry, it took KevyKev 11 seasons to get a championship. Any final words you’d like to put here? Remember, this is going on the boards where the viewership numbers have skyrocketed over the past few months. Anything you say can and will be used against you on the boards.
AD: Thanks for the disclaimer. I don’t think I need to give anybody bulletin board material, so I’ll stick with the feel good message. I’ve had a lot of fun so far in these leagues and have gotten to know a lot of great guys. I feel like CRFC is turning into a world-wide phenomenon, where franchises will soon be showing up all over the world, “Fight Club” style. So keep up the good work and I’m looking forward a great season over the next couple months.
Wolverine: That is certainly our goal. Thanks for being on the Trap. Fantastic work.
AD: The pleasure’s all on this side of the room, man.