This Week In the Corner – STOP DICK TEXTING

Searching through the news this week there is plenty to get to, but first of all, I want to applaud ESPN for finally bringing some light to the atrocities that have been going on to hot media members like myself for years now.  I thought I was all alone, but I now have the strength to come forward and tell you all that I will no longer  tolerate players from the B2 South texting/emailing me pictures of their junk.  Me and Jenny Sterger are hot pieces of booty.  There is no debating that.  But just because we are hot and on the sidelines of your games does not give you the right to send me pictures of your junk in the “hamburger” pose.  Its all fun and games until dirty old man balls are jingling from your cell phone screen.  Stay strong Jenny, we will get through this together.

But seriously this is where Goodell is going to drop the ball YET AGAIN.  Once he gets confirmation that Favre gave Jenny the ole uncle charlie, he is probably going to suspend him.  Wrong move.  The punishment will do nothing to deter athletic dick texters around the globe from sending their cyclops’ to unsuspecting sideline workers.  The punishment should fit the crime.  Favre’s wife should receive nothing but dick texts from other NFL players for an entire month.  After a month of flesh tree trunks popping up on his wife’s phone, Favre will learn his lesson.

Please help stop dick texting to innocent sideline workers by purchasing the “Stop Dick Texting” wristband from the CAC store.

Speaking of the Dick Texter, it appears that he got a great gift this week from New England and no, it was not a dick text from Tom Brady. It looks like us New Englanders have to lay to rest Randy Moss in a Pats uniform…Wow, Bellichek has done it again.  I am already having Straight Cash Homie withdrawals and we havent even played a game without Moss.  The man saw Brady get an extension before the season started and got heated.  I dont blame him.  You give Brady all that money to get his hair hightlighted and you couldnt toss a two-three year contract Randy’s way?  What is this world coming to?  I hate to say it, but the Pats are going to miss him.  Dont get me wrong, I love Welker, Tate, Hernandez and Edleman, but none of them do what Moss can do on the field.  I just hope when Moss catches his first TD pass from the Dick Texter, Moss’ celebration is to bust out the cell phone, a la Joe Horn, and he shoots Favre’s wife with a dick text and message “Your Husband is riding this to his next ring.”

Joe Horn

Now that we are caught up on the week’s current events, lets take some time to step into the Corner’s Mini Spot Light, brought to you by Verizon and their new unlimited Dick Texting package.  This week’s guest is a long time CAC great and sure fire CAC 2nd Ballot Hall of Famer, A1 great J-ROD, aka the Hitman aka one half of the “Beloved”.

JRod, you have experienced everything CAC has to offer:  the wild and crazy times (see Tibbs passed out in your trunk after a LNO giving birth to the “Hitman” moniker), the fruits of the women’s league (see your wife for reference) and now a little birdie has told me that the stork will be making a cat call your way in a few months (see your wife’s stomach for reference)…so tell me, what more do you expect CAC to do for you?

What’s up Sean. Good to be in the “Corner” with you. If you don’t mind, I’ll keep my backside up against the wall for the duration of our interview. Oh, and would you mind turning the lights back on… Thanks…
Just trying to set the mood.  I dont think the epitomy of my Feng Shui is truly reached by the lights being turned on, but if you are more comfortable with the lights on I can accomodate.  Just dont ask me to put a shirt on…
 
Its shocking that you’re not married yet.  Truly.  But, getting back on track, I’ve always said the CAC is like the Force. The CAC is what gives JROD his power. I mean, who hasn’t been penetrated by the CAC…On second thought, dont answer that question.
 
Seriously though, as depressing as it may sound, CAC has touched almost every corner of my life in these last 10 years. I’ve met business contacts, some of my best friends, and even my wife at CAC. I’ve given and received countless injuries on the hallowed floors of CAC… I’ve killed more brain and liver cells that I care to remember (though not as many as some of you LNO all-stars). 
 
I am one of the inaugural members of the A1 Draft League (or whatever you call it now), and for the last decade of my life Monday nights mean only one thing- I make a booty call to my lady CAC… She has been good to me over the years… so what more do I expect her to do for me…  
 
I expect at least one more MVP and championship. I expect my point total to endure for as long as I might need to take off Monday nights to help out with the baby (and by the way there are about 5 years worth of stats that aren’t included in my “all-time” stats). One day I expect to have our little “Jabby” playing at Wall Ball arena.
Seeing as how you have successfully landed a life time partner, do you have any advice for the Wolverine on how to land a wife?  He’s only given up basketball 8 different times to go find one.  Please, feel free to start your answer with, “First, stop looking at The Squire'”.

 

“The Squire?” Either the Wolverine is reading too much Chaucer, or he is spending too much time in Revere. Either way, not a good way to seek out sustainable loving… 
 
My advice, pre-2008, would have been- If you want to settle down and get married, get as far from CAC as possible. Although this advice was turned upside down when I met my wife while I was filming one of the women’s league games. As far as I’m concerned, I met and married the only woman in the world that was worth settling down with. Sorry Matt. 
 
My present day advice to Wolverine would involve working with his natural strengths… If I were him, I’d work the “animal lover” angle (get your heads out of the gutter folks). Women love men that love animals. Matt volunteers a lot of his time at the local MSPCA. I would go that route… 

 

 

Are the MixTape’s best playing days behind him or will the return of Tim Brady revitalize his career?

 

The return of Tim Brady, the self proclaimed CAC all time leader in League Fees Paid (the player rater doesnt recognize this stat for some reason) can cure all ills. Regardless of whether Turin’s best playing days are behind him, I’d expect an exponential increase in the following stats: rebounds (but can they get much better, come on), assists, ounces curled, number of unique team names, number of nights on the couch… and the list goes on.
 
Hang on, Mike’s calling me now:
 
“Mixtape, what’s up… you dropped how many points in the C-town B&G Club over 40 league… 30 points… nice dude… yeah Ocal is here… he was asking about your best playing days… okay I’ll tell him… yeah, see you tomorrow… yeah, we can squeeze in a game of P.I.G. after we lift… okay, later.”
 
Ocal, Turin wanted me to say, he didn’t know he had anything we could call his “best playing days AYOOO!!!!”
 
Honestly though, Turin is being modest. He is one of those guys that can play at any level, independent of age, gravity, or sobriety.
JROD, thanks for stepping into the Corner and trying to help the Wolverine.  We are all part of the disFUNctional CAC family.  I still think the Wolverine and Brip have a bet against one another with the first one to get married having to pay the other person their life savings or something.  I dont know the vegas odds, but that type of match up has Ali v. Frazier written all over it.