TiCal’s Corner: Billy Fratelli

Admirable, responsible, and super-intelligent.  Ok so none of these adjectives can accurately describe me or my guest today but what guys like Billy and me lack in those superlatives we make up for it by being more entertaining than watching Macho and AK go at it one on one.  Today, Billy takes the stand.  Everything he says can and will be hilarious so read at your own discretion.

 

Billy thanks for stepping into the Corner today…

 

Iím more than honored, you smell terrific.  Why am I kneeling?

 

All my guests start the Corner with a prayer to the purple headed god but since youíre gonna blow up my spot we can just start the interview.  Have a seat.

 

From what Iíve heard itís more like a purple headed thimble rather than a god.

 

What truck-stops have you been by?  You know what, some things are better left unsaid lets just get down to business because I know everyone is itching for some BFrat.

 

1.  Please, give us some background info.  Where you grew up, college, career, arrests etc…

 

Ok OíCal, Iíll give you a little taste.  Surprisingly, I am the only one out of my hooligan friends to never be arrested, I can smooth talk my way out of an orgy. 

 

Thatís funny I can usually smooth talk my way into an orgy.  Wait, why would you want to get out of an orgy?  Only like to play one on one, eh?

 

Orgies can get pretty sticky.  Iím a simple man.  A PB & J on some Wonder Bread and youíve got yourself one satisfied customer.  Anyways, back to my True Hollywood StoryÖ

 

I grew up in Lincoln, Rhode Island, so yea, people know me.  My high school bball team won the championship at the Civic Center (hit two free throws in double OT to seal the deal my friend, and havenít hit consistently since).  I went to college at WPI, where I digitally remastered the art of being the drunken asshole at the all-dude parties (Lappy knows what Iím talking about) and graduated with a degree in Computer Engineering.  I love logic, Iíd pin it up against a wall and hump it if possible.  Take that as you will.  I work in Boston as a Software Engineer, and I canít describe in words the lack of excitement and attractable women in this field.  Donít get me wrong, Iím no catch, but Iíve been known to turn a few heads.  How you doin?

 

Much better now that I finally got some class in the Corner, but this is all about you and the CAC finally getting to know what makes BFrat tick.

 

2.  Thong or Commando, which are you sporting right now?

 

Something about commando reeks of slut.  Donít get me wrong, I like the time it saves in certain situations but letís be honest, it was pre-meditated, so the thrill is gone.  Iím wearing boxers right now, but give me a millisecond and I can turn it into either.

 

Thatís some MacGyver stuff right there, Billy, women love that in a man.

 

3.  Do you think there is any truth to the rumor that Spygate is just a videotape that reveals Bellicheck really is God?  Like Walsh was videotaping Bill turning Gatorade into wine?  Of course people are going to think we are cheaters if we have the Almighty at our reigns.

 

I really donít see the harm in rolling some film.  Bill is God and us peons know he doesnít need a videotape to prove it.  I encourage footage of any kind.  Look what it did for R Kelly?  So the man likes to pee on people.

 

Seriously, if baptizing a 15yr old girl in the golden shower was so bad they would have mentioned it in the Bible just like false idols or putting nails in peopleís hands and feet.

 

4.  How has CAC changed your life?

 

Getting some exercise and gloating over my stats the very next day is so rewarding.  Itís a real confidence boost going into the weekend.  So ultimately, I can credit the CAC with all the tail I pull (some of these statements have been exaggerated).  Iíve also made some great friends in the process.  I love you Sean.

 

Billy, Iím sorry but everyone knows Iím a Billet guy.  BFrat youíre cool, but like in a big sister cool.

 

5.  Nate Dogg or Akon, who do want singing the hook on your first single?

 

Nate Dogg, hands down ass up.  Considering Nate Dogg has more experience, I think he ripped every hook from 1984 until his death in 1998, the man is the clear winner here.  Mount Up.

 

6.  Who is the best player at CAC right now and why?

 

For the guys, Iíve played with some of the best, but I have to give it to my man Magic.  The kid is a straight seamstress when it comes to tickling the twine.  He knows how to play the game, and must be pretty impressive given the fact he got to this ëCornerí before me.

For the women, I think Bullet Proof Vestal would hock me a loogie if I said she wasnít dominant, but we all know Erin Magic is the bubonic chronic.  She taught Orville how to butter popcorn.  (***Quote of the interview BTW***)

 

How many does he/she drop on you if you guard them?

 

I think Iíve guarded Magic Man once, and if I remember correctly outscored him 33 to 31.  If there was to be a repeat, Iíd exploit that knee so probably low double figures.  Lady MJ would probably toast me for 40, but not before a lot of hand checking.

 

7.  Marriage…How many do you see on your horizon?

 

Iím an optimist when it comes to holy matrimony, so I think my answer would have to be once.  This lucky lady would get the pleasure of spending the rest of her life in captivity. Iím a very greedy pirate.  This is the only fool-proof way to secure the wedlock.  I do not stand for competition, am never up to a challenge, and will always take the easy way out.  Get your own.

 

Interesting. What about First date?  Where you takiní the soon to be Mrs. Count of Monte Cristo?  Dinner, Dinner and a movie, Bar, or like I take most of my dates, a Basement (just cleaned my silk leopard sheets!)?

 

Iím sure your basementís dÈcor is fabulous Sean, but I think your mother would like a change of scenery. 

 

What!?!  Sheís the one who allowed me to get the sheets?  Whatever, at least one of us can find a date.

 

Going to dinner and a movie as a first date gives a false first impression and high expectations of maturity.  Too fake for me.  I think the obvious choice would be a bar with live 80ís music, lots of yelling, shots of soco, and an environment where my sense of humor has free rein and Iím given the possibility to suck face on the dance floor.  I know youíre smitten.

 

Smitten and taking notes.

 

8.  Which player do you take to start your CAC franchise:  the AK, MixTape, Macho, JBerr, or (me gushing like a school girl) Todd Billet?

 

Well if these are my only choices, Iíd have to go with Deep Fry Billet.  Iíve seen him play at the 3v3, while debating a keg stand, and the kid is cake.  Not the kind of cake you get from telling the waitress itís your friendís bday at Chiliís but the one that make your esophagus orgasm.  Seriously, are those others even worth a roster spot if they show up?  I possess pure hatred for those other four.

 

9.  Shaq to the Suns, will this help Steve Nash stop having nightmares of Cheap-Shot Rob Horry sending him to the floor, but not before taking his championship ring?

 

My roommate gives me crap about defending this trade but I think itís marmalade.  The Matrix was too greedy and sporadic, and Big Daddy gives them that big man defensive presence they are never going to get from Stoudemire.  Big-Shot Bob is filth.  Iíd like to say I hate the Spurs for so many more reasons, but the Unjiggy Fresh Prince is definitely one of them.

 

10.  Everyone is being all Debbie-Downer about this alleged global warming thing.  Billy, Iím a born optimist so give me something positive that will benefit us from global warming that all these weather-fascist bastards havenít considered…

 

Warmer weather means more sweat.  And more sweat means more weightloss, one of the biggest problems Americans face in these times of turmoil.  So by the transitive property, more bangable chicks. Its official, I canít have kids.  Whaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

 

Haha, Billy this has been an unspeakable pleasure but if youíre down on not being able to have kids Iíll leave you with the advice my father gave me on my 16th birthday after I got stood up by a wretched wench who shall remain nameless.  ìSean [Billy], donít worry about stuff like this.  Eventually there is going to be a woman dumb enough to settle down and have kids with you….And then once all that magic happens for you….youíll wish more than anything in the world that she was smarter.î

 

Sounds like your old man has the characteristics and immortal knowledge of a present day deity.  Personally, screw that wench, she probably ended up licking envelopes for a living. (She licked plenty of “envelopes” in high school that’s why I was so disappointed)  Iíd like to leave you with some words of wisdom, but I guess syphilis will do.  See you in hell.

 

The gift that keeps on giving, thanks Billy.  Best of luck in your travels….You can put your pants back on.

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