TiCal’s Corner: Chris Harvey

Todayís guest is my man, Mr. Cake and Sprinkles, Chris Harvey.  Chris joined the CAC family 2 seasons ago and has assimilated to the CAC culture like Tibbs to vodka or yours truly to celibacy with his hilarious posts, sweet fade away jumpers and an all around well-liked persona.  Today, he graces me with his presence to discuss the NFL, a possible casting of JBerr as the lead in CAC’s production of “The Chris Harvey Story”, and League NiTe Out Predictions.

Harv, itís a pleasure to have you in the Corner…

Iím honored to be here, Tical. For a while, I thought this Corner was only for the elite players at the CAC.

Elite players?  You are apparently a first time reader because youíre sitting in the same seat that JBerr and the MixTape parked their junk in for an interview.

Well, Iím just glad that you make time for the role players as well. You donít do anything else in this Corner while youíre waiting for guests to arrive, do you? (looking around nervously)

(Tical slowly swings his foot to nudge the Johnson and Johnson Hand CrËme bottle and picture of Janet Reno underneath the leopard sheeted futon)  Nope, Harv, this Corner is for business only.

1.  Please give us a little background info on yourself to wet our whistles (where you grew up, life/bball highlights, how you came to CAC).

A little background on me. I grew up in rural northeastern PA as an only child. My parents got me one of those adjustable rims and put it out in our yard when I was probably 9 or 10. I had that sucker on the lowest level until I could dunk on it, then continued to move it up as I got more height and hops.

I played football for 4 years in high school, and never played organized basketball. Lots of pickup games to go around, but most of my hoops experience comes from one-on-one games with Chris Maciejczak (or Majic as heís knows at the CAC). We played pretty much every day after school (when we werenít participating in our own school sports). When youíre 5í10î and your best friend is 6í4î+, you learn how to shoot fade aways and outside shots pretty quickly. I have one whole victory in our games of 21 (best-of-7) over our 16+ years of friendship.

Majic introduced me to the CAC 2 seasons ago by suggesting that I sign up for the A1 Draft league. Mike D scooped me up in the last round and the rest is history!

2.  Mike D or T-Hend.  Who did you dread playing with more and why?

To be honest with you, Tical, I thoroughly enjoyed playing for both of my captains.

Hahahahahaha, good one Harv…(Tical realizes heís serious).  Oh, Iím sorry Harv, please continue.

Like I was saying, Mike D puts together solid teams and T-Hend is an underrated teammate. Theyíre quite similar as theyíre not afraid to shoot the rock in any situationÖas much as they possibly can. But, they also have no problem sharing the spotlight with other players from time to time.

Plus, Mike Dís drunk posting is hilarious.  I get drunk and start making dirty lusty calls to my brotherís cousin and Mike D gets a few 99 adult sodaís in him and heís putting everyone on blast on the message boards.

Wait, your brotherís cousin?  Doesnt that make her your cousin too?

Donít you dare sorry her good name!

3.  How long do you have to be going steady with a girl before you suggest ìthe donkey punchî?

The real trick is to avoid the girls that want to donkey punch youÖ unless youíre into that sort of thing.

Donít knock it till you try it Harv.  Nothing like taking a hit to the squash while you get the happy ending.

Iíll have to take your word for that one.  Funny coincidence, Donkey Punch is the name of my B1 West team next season. Thanks T-HendÖ

4.  What do you look forward to most this NFL season and why?

Being that I grew up in PA, Iím a huge Steelers fan. Iím really excited to see what our rookie RB Mendenhall can do for us. Iím also excited that Big Ben didnít play chicken with any more cars while on his motorcycle in the off season. The highlight of this season for me is a trip to Pittsburgh in October for the Giants/Steelers game. Hopefully we can get some measure of revenge forÖumÖthe end of last season for you NE fans.

Front runner to win it all this season?

Honestly, I think that the Pats are going to come back with another chip on their shoulder and want to prove a point this yearÖas long as Bradyís foot doesnít fall off or something, theyíre my early pick to win it all.

5.  Favorite pro athlete growing up and why?

For hoops, I was a big fan of Larry Johnson for the Hornets.

Grand Ma MA!!!

Yea man, that was a really fun team to watch with Zo, Muggsy, Dell Curry, LJ, JR Reid. I actually followed LJ in college and knew that heíd get the NBA Rookie of the Year award before he even finished school. Ask Majic about our epic games of NBA Jam on my Sega Genesis sometime.

Favorite TV show growing up and why?  Please tell me it includes Mike Seaver and Boner.

Hah! Mike Seaver and BonerÖyeah, I did watch Growing Pains growing up. Funny the things that were on TV when we were kids (well, youíre still a kid, so what do you know, really?). My favorite show though is a toss up between The A-Team, American Gladiators, or the WWF on Saturday afternoons.

6.  Do you think Canadians are such pssys because the cold renders their males with year round baby dick?

I think thatís probably part of the explanationÖthat and thereís a lot of French influence up there. You do the math.

I have already admitted I am no matheologist but the cold and French influence definitely explain a lot.

7.  If CAC produced the Chris Harvey Story, would Pacino, Denzel or Farley do you justice?

Definitely Chris Farley, rest his soul. He was funny, fat, and had no problem making fun of himself. Geez, that sounds a little TOO familiar. Pacino is way too old and serious to play me in my life story. As for DenzelÖyeah, thereís only one possible way I could be mistaken for a black man…

Remind me never to get a locker next to you.  Could JBerr pull off the leading lady role or would you be gunning for a more professional lush like Lindsay Lohan?

JBerr can be my leading lady anytime. We have our common roots back at Marist College, go Red Foxes! I donít need a professional slutsh (yeah, a slut-lush combo, I made that up just now) like LiLoh, give me amateur any day of the week.

8.  Can real men rock jorts?

Of course we can! Thatís what we do. Anyone can go the metro route, get their eyebrows waxed, wear pink button downs, and shop at Banana Republic. Whatever. Give me my Old Navy Carpenter Jorts. Theyíre comfy, I have a place to put my hammer when I need it, plenty of pockets for the digits I get at the clubs. You know how it is. Iíve seen the photo evidence.

Amen brother.  The Metro look screams insecurity and compensation for say a ìsmall hammer.î

9.  Favorite aspect of CAC and why?

I donít know that I have just one favorite aspect. Hoops at the CAC is an overall great experience. Iíve gotten to play with and against some really great talent, and been able to sorta hold my own. Itís great to heckle from above, especially Tibbs when he misses layups (often). The outings to the 9ís with both of my teams are always great. Iím really looking forward to my first LNO this weekend, too.

What changes would you make to CAC?

If it were in my power, Iíd climb up that freaking wall and replace the broken bulbs in the big scoreboard myself. Can someone PLEASE get on that?

I have already been scolded for my using the scoreboard light bulbs to replace the burnt out lights in my Lite Brite, but if you people saw the picture I drew of the Tibbs after the 2-2 tourney it would be hanging in a freakin gallery.

Those are red lights though, that kid is whiter than I am. And thatís hard to do!

I also would have accepted, “That kid is whiter than a jizz stain on a paper plate, placed on a white bed sheet in a blizzard”, but after the kid is out in the sun longer than 5 minutes he turns as red as JBerrís discarded Maxiís.

I think I just threw up a little can we just get to the last question before I make a mess down here.

10.  What do you expect from CACís finest this Saturday at the Greatest Bar?  Give me a run-down of what you see in your crystal ball.

Lucky for you, I just happened to bring my crystal ball with me. I knew the jorts were a good call this morning!

I think that T-Hend will probably get the Most Wasted Award as itís his b-day. I think that JBerr will find herself unconscious on a corner barstool holding a bottle of Patron, Tibbs will be finding some way to complain about missing yet another brick while drinking himself into oblivion. I have no idea what to expect from you. Youíre a mystery man, my friend.

No mystery here brother, just a responsible drinker, who will be there early, possibly rocking long-sleeve jorts because it will be at night and will be in the corner of the bar, not talking to anyone, being a shy guy.

Well I know there wonít be any ladies near you but I doubt no one will talk to you.  People want to get calls and stats from you next season.

If it werenít for bribery I would never had made it this far in life.  You would be surprised h much the Commish and Tibbs will pay you when you have photos of them coming out of a gay bar together (Stroke Mondays!).

Thatíll do it every time.  As for the rest of the crew Iím not so sure about. Iím still getting to know folks, so weíll have to wait and see. Iíll be there from 6pm throughout the night, so itíll definitely be an adventure!

Exactly, what about you?  How is Harvís night gonna go?

I havenít really though that far ahead for myself. Iíll have to pace myself as Iím not as young as you whippersnappers. Iím sure Iíll have my fair share of adult beverages, and maybe even some good tequila with Jberr. Other than that, weíll see where the night takes me!

Harv, itís been a pleasure.  Thanks for stepping into the Corner, best of luck next season and please be on your guard come Saturday night bc you are going to witness the alter-egoís of CACís finest. Tibbs is usually an obnoxious ass when heís sober so when he drinks….Ok, um, yea, be careful bc JBerr is usually very vulgar and offensive when sheís sober so when she drinks…Ok, well, at least I may struggle to talk to women and get them back to this Corner sober but when I drink…Yea, um, you know what I think weíre all pretty much the same so feel free to let your guard down.