The long awaited 1st installment of this seasonís Wolverine Trap is none other than Everybodyís Favorite Point Guard Matty OíBrien. While Matty is best known for his stellar play for BALCO in seasonís past, this season he pulled a Deion Branch and tested the free agent market and just happened to land on the 1st place and unbeaten Genzyme squad. Coincidence? Letís learn more about the man with the longest nickname at CAC.
Wolverine: Thanks for being in this weekís Trap, Matty Oí. Long overdue and I apologize being a slacker, but hey, itís summertime!
Matty Oí: Ummm, I teach high school. Answering these questions counts as work, right? I mean, my wife canít play the ìboo hoo I have to work in the summer and you donítî card anymore, right? This is tough.
Wolverine: As always, first a little about yourself. Where you are from, what sports you played growing up, what job do you check CAC stats from, your favorite no-call by the Wolverine?
Matty Oí: Iím from Narragansett, Rhode Island, a little beach-front hamlet that prides itself on its town beach, where they charge residents a crap-load just to sit on the sand and we all congratulate ourselves on not being from Cranston.
Wolverine: A cab ride from Newport to Bonnet Shores is $57, regardless of what time of night it is. I know this because my friendís donít adhere to the ìnever leave a man behindî rule.
Matty Oí: My main sports were tennis and basketball in high school. Soccer since then. As I said, I teach high school. I teach in one of the Boston public schools. Itís just like that TV show ìBostonPublicî except without the white kids.
Wolverine: Does your standard email signature at work say ìMatty Oí, Everybodyís Favorite Point Guard?î
Matty Oí: The guy who teaches in the room next to me is Sean Connolly of Bishop Fenwick, P.C. and Ohio State fame so, ah, no, I donít do too much bragging about my exploits. ìYeah I know youíreOhio Stateís all-time leading three point shooter, Sean, but you should have seen my eight assists against the Mullets,î doesnít really impress, although my wife thinks Iím pretty special.
Wolverine: But does he have a Wolverine anointed nickname? Who will be Genzymeís biggest competition this season in the B2 East? The Good King and the rest of my pre-season #1 Serenity Now have disappointed thus far.
Matty Oí: Not really sure. To be honest, unlike when BALCO played on different days and times, I donít even check the schedule. Genzyme has a pretty cushy, consistent slot, so I generally donít know the name of the team weíre playing. As my answer I submit whichever team is immediately above or below us in the standings.
Wolverine: See, this is why Genzyme is title-less! Speaking of which, are you at all worried about the potential for the Karl Malone/Dan Marino tag ñ best player in the gym not to have won a title?
Matty Oí: Terrified. To have come so close, several times, is pretty rough. And the worst part is I donít even have time to plan an appropriate hit on the Jay Sartori, Paul K., or Borisís of the world. They come in for a year, throw up ninety-seven points in the semifinal or final against me, and then like that, (breath-y noise), theyíre gone.
Wolverine: Well, banned. Other than the obvious lack of the Big Fish, what are the biggest differences between running the point for BALCO and running the point for Genzyme?
Matty Oí: I have to sub out more. And that sucks. Iíve learned a lot about myself through CAC. First, Iíd probably rather lose with four guys than win with seven so long as I get my court time – I prefer to think that it makes me a gamer, not a selfish a-hole. Second, I thought I was above stat checking, or at least emailing with a stat question/complaint, but sadly, I am above nothing. On that note, if you guys donít figure out a way to input the stats from two games in the same week, I canít be held responsible. Seriously guys? We really canít figure out a way around that? Hereís a thought, write the stats on a piece of paper instead, average them together, and input the average. Too simple?
Wolverine: Whoa, Matty, this is MY show and itís not a forum to complain about me! The only reason I donít pull the plug immediately on you is because I need the $3 that I get for dong these interviews. Now clean it up! What team will you be on come the Fall?
Matty Oí: No comment. Itíd be tough to leave Genzyme if weíre able to pull down a title, but Iíve known the Big Fish Matt Gill since he was roe and, well, youíve seen his temperÖ
Wolverine: Yes, I have. Any truth to the rumor that BALCO is looking to sign Tank Johnson next season as their point guard?
Matty Oí: Downgrade as far as Iím concerned. Doesnít have the inside presence I do.
Wolverine: Age of Love is currently my favorite show and probably will be for quite some time. I know that your biggest fan and lifelong mate is in the stands most games, but if you were given the Andre Kirilenko ìfree passî for one night a year and had your pick of the cast, whoíd be at the top of that list?
Matty Oí: Iíve never seen the show, but just found a cast photo gallery online. Based on the pictures and occupations: Adelaide works for Esquire so thatíd be cool, and Megan looks like a handful, you know, in a good way. As for any of the ancients, thatís what I call people over 30 (Iím 29, thank you)Ö couldnít conceive of it. Over 30? Ewww.
Wolverine: Who is your all time B2 East starting 5?
Matty Oí: Starting 5? No wonder Iíve never won a title. My teams have always been playing with 4. Iíll give you 4ÖBoris, Paul K., Jay Sartori, Andre Pelletier. Boris, Paul, and Jay for obvious reasons. Dreí for the intangibles. The kind of stuff that coaches just love: passion, intensity, discipline, hairline.
Wolverine: Donít forget respect for opposing players and referees. Should Bud the Dud Selig attend Barry Bondís 755th homer?
Matty Oí: I donít care.
Wolverine: Espressoís or Nickís? (Tufts pizza places for all you non-Jumbos, non-Medford townies out there, like OíCal)
Matty Oí: On pure pizza ñ itís Nickís for me. I know that may be an upset. But Iíve got to go with my gut. Still, Espressoís used to deliver Ben & Jerryís on points, so I definitely patronized them more.
Wolverine: I agree on the pizza, but Espressoís had the cacheí. Favorite aspect of CAC hoops?
Matty Oí: You. Youíre my favorite. In a related story, I was told after a game this year that you gave my team the game because Iím your favorite, so ha ha opponents, the love affair continues. Thatís right defenders, donít come anywhere near me, I will end up on the line, and donít complain if I throw you an ìinadvertentî chest bump, your cries are falling on deaf ears!
Wolverine: Thatís true, but we are not exclusive. Other than your previous and unsolicited diatribe on the stats, least favorite aspect of CAC hoops?
Matty Oí: My empty trophy case. Itís a dusty, cobwebbed tomb, not unlike the womb of a barren ìancient.î
Wolverine: Thatís it, I am forwarding this interview to Kutcher – expect to get Punked. Should Paris Hilton have been allowed to serve the rest of her sentence under house, I mean, really nice two bedroom condo, arrest?
Matty Oí: Care even lessÖcomplete acquittal, death penalty, either way, a-ok. Actually, come to think of it, death penalty. By way of, umm, the rack. No, quartering. No, wait, what was the question?
Wolverine: Thanks for being on the Trap. It was a pleasure.
Matty Oí: My pleasure entirely. By the way, Iíve been answering this from an internet cafÈ in Amsterdam, so you will be receiving a bill for Ä1.40 (with the conversion rate thatís like 40 bucks). Prompt payment expected.
Wolverine: Iíll forward this on to the Commishís accounts payable department. You should receive an automated same day response, unless we receive two emails in the same week, and then we will be unable to process your request.