View From the Balcony: Van Tran

Good to be here.  I’m a bit hungover from the weekends festivitiies but I’ll try to answer some of your questions.  And just to let you know, I’m a bit disappointed and offended that I’m stuck up in the Balcony with you.  I was hoping for my first and possibly only interview maybe I would get stuck in a trap with Wolverine, maybe getting caught in the box with Jberr, or even better playing in the Corner with Tical…oops, did I say playing with Tical (can you edit that please)….But anyways to get back to my point, out of all the possible candidates to interview me I get stuck with the kid who road the short bus to school.  I feel a bit slighted but let’s get this interview over with already!

How about the guy that barely breaks 5 feet refrains from telling any short jokes, hmmm?
Let’s start off with the softball question.  Can you fill us in on your life pre-CAC and let us know how you made your way over to Wall Ball Arena.

Let me see, I was born in the rough jungles of Vietnam during the war.  My mother gave birth to me while gunshots were going off.  I’m not sure if that really happened but that’s the story that my parents told me and we all know parents never lie.  After my rough childhood in the jungles, the family moved to Los Angeles where gunshots were still going off.  Not much difference between the two, gunshots in the jungle or gunshots in the streets…it’s to the point where I hear a gunshot and I don’t even flinch man.

But to be serious for a quick second, I grew up on the left coast (Soul Cal)and found my way to the east coast via Biogen.  Through Biogen I was introduced to the CAC.  After a couple seasons with the Biogen squad, I ended up getting a job at Genzyme and now I’m part of the entity that everyone loves to hate.

Hobbit?  Real funny, I would imagine it would be similiar to being the smartest kid with down sydrome?  So how does that feel Tibbs, being the smartest kid with down sydrome?

BOOM, roasted!

Man how is that not old yet? I love it though.
Rumor has it that the only reason you were asked to do this is because you brought Gripp a bag of Reese’s Pieces candy for her birthday, knowing they’d find their way to my gluttonous stomach.  Is this true?? I hear Khalid plans on doing the same thing next week…
I did bring your lovely lady a bag of Reese’s Pieces and that tells me who wears the pants in your relationship.  I could see the conversation already,
Gripp:  Van brought me candy, you better do an interview with him now.
Tibbs:  But honey, I don’t want to do an interview with him.
Gripp:  Did I ask for your opinion.
Tibbs:  But..but..
Gripp: You’re (raising her voice) doing the interview and that’s final.
Tibbs: okay (with a sour face).

Funny, I swear that’s almost exactly how it went.

Tibbs, do you even own a pair of pants?

More Importantly, how’s it feel to still shop in the Junior’s aisle?
You roll with some serious characters at C.A.C. Guys that range from KidKhalid, Five Hard Fouls, the Jumpman, Carrot Hop.  How do you stand out in a crowd like that? You know aside from the stilts.

That’s simple, I’m the token Asian guy.  Rarely will you see me rolling with a crowd with another Asian guy in it.  Look boss, the plane…the plane.

So that’s why we’ve never seen you and DLee in the same room before, let alone on the same court.  I knew something was up with that.  You guys fueding over the correct way to hold your abacus?
Every asian person knows there’s only one way to hold the abacus.  And you know what they say, two Wongs in one room just doesn’t look right.

Anyone you want to through under the bus??

Nah, not my style.  Wait I take that back….real nice, you and AK bailing on our game tonight and taking a forfeit.  Talk about dodging people.

Funny guy! I’d take you on 1v4 if BFab wouldn’t cry about it later after I end up breaking Kmiec’s hand, tooling on Carrot Hop and swatting 3 of Tommy’s shots.

You’ve been accused of ducking the League Nights Out because you can’t hang.  Something about your 99 pound frame not being able to stand up to the rigors of carbomb races, tequila shots and copious red bull vodkas.  How do you respond to these allegations?
Ha!  Me ducking, that’s also not my style.  You my friend always seem to make League Night Out on a day I’m out of town or working.  It’s funny that every time I ask Gripp to the 99’s after the games on Weds. she never shows which means you never show.  See I’d figure I ask her which should lead to you having to be there with her (because we all know she wears the pants) but nope you guys never show.  Talk about ducking.  I might make a guest appearance for that event.  Depending if I can get the day off or not.

You know it’s on March 28th at the Tommy Doyle’s in Kendall Square by now, right? After the 3v3 tourney!! Surely BFab will let you out for that.  As for the 99s, well I have no comment…

I have it on good authority that you’re a serious pitch (or setback) player.  Now I wouldn’t know that, since we haven’t been able to hook up for a game.  We need to get Sweens, Vig, AK, Bush, and JBerr together for a tournament one of these weekends.  So anyway, answer me this, if you can beat the trump led, do you have to??
This is a serious sticking point!!
Absolutely not.  That’s unless some idiot is leading with the Jack or two.

THANK YOU!!!
And don’t you worry about my card sharking skills.  So when are we getting this set-up?

As soon as we figure out who’s hosting the C.A.C. Beer Pong Tournament!  We need someone to step up to the plate for both these events.
I thought Mike D was setting this up?  I might be able to host.  My place probably could only host about 12-15 people comfortably.  But I would need a couple folding tables for the event.

We need to make this happen almost as badly as the pitch tournament (pending approval from Gripp of course).  You might as well just run the idea by her first.
You’ve been around C.A.C. for some time now, tell us your favorite aspect of CAC.
I would say the many different characters and the drinking that goes on before and after games.  Makes me feel less like a drunk with drinking with others.

That’s why I always make it a point to go with a group prior to my AA meetings…
What would you change?  And so help me god if you become the 801st person to say the lights on the scoreboard, I will wring your scrawny little neck. 
The Player Rating System.  It favors the big men too much.  I’ve seen some guys miss shots on purpose to pad their stats.

Come on man, I don’t pass the ball, so don’t get assists, I need all the help I can get.  Rebounds and the Player Rater stay as is! At least until we mix in 3 point shooting %.  If anyone has any legit ideas, they can always let me know!

Off Topic questions:

What are you going to do with your $400 stimulus payment?
What?  You want to give me 400 dollars to stimulate me.  Tibbs, I don’t think Gripp would approve of this kind of interview.

I’m sure that would cure my yellow fever.
One of my absolute pet peeves is when roommates of mine leave air in those plastic ziplock bags.  The ENTIRE point is that they lock OUT the air.  Why would you leave air in?? Anyway, give us one of yours.
Spam emails or emails you dont sign up for.  For instance, T’s League emails?  Does anyone else get these emails?  I swear, one more email from them and I am going to find out when and where they play and go poop on their court.

Those bastards email you guys, but I can’t get an answer for them.  Apparently they don’t like self-righteous indignation.  Ah well, C’est la vie.  Just make sure DMeezy isn’t the ref when you pooop on the court, he can’t even stand guys spitting on it!
A-Roid – do you even care any more??
Does it really matter anymore?

No it doesn’t!  I hear you’re hooking us up with your brother-in-law while we’re in San Diego this week.  Any advice for a guy that’s never been to the left coast before and will be tenatively taking his first steps towards becoming a sushi lover?

Your going love the left coast.  No one honking at you while driving.  People smiling and being polite.  Just soak up the sun.  My only advice would be to make sure you put on a lot of sun block, especially for someone as pasty as you.

Alright Van, this has been great, but give us your parting shot, feel free not to hold back…
C.A.C. is like a short dick, you can’t beat it!